Part 11: The Tim Carpenter Award for Jeffersonian Achievement

CALLAHAN: Star Wars, nuclear power, welfare cuts, claims that trees pollute more than automobiles, just say no to drugs—ahhhhh, yes: good old Iran-contra Ronnie. Even so, the Reagan years were a boon for Carpenter's political-organizing skills. In 1981, Reagan's first year in office, Tim held a mock press conference at the headquarters of Rockwell International, the builder of the MX missile and the B-1 bomber. Santa Claus was there, too, making the announcement that a nuclear war could turn the North Pole into radioactive waste. It was a historic day. Both Tim and Saint Nick were arrested for protesting for the first time.

MAN IN SANTA CLAUS SUIT: Boo-yah! Boo-yah!

CALLAHAN: But within a year, Carpenter's life took a very dark turn. After he had an unpleasant-looking mole cauterized, Tim was informed that he had Stage 3, Level 4 cancer in his lymph glands. Months passed. By the third operation, nuns were praying and Native Americans were holding sweat-lodge ceremonies for him. A priest even gave Tim the last rites. It was Monsignor Sammon—the same priest who, 10 years earlier, had almost expelled him. Call it a miracle or call it . . . an unmiracle: when the surgeon cut into Tim, his cancer had disappeared.

["Carry On" resumes playing as the naked Greek-god-like golden representation of Tim appears through an operating-room door.]

CALLAHAN: Orange County should thank its sweet ass it has Tim Carpenter for a friend. Tim helped organize the cross-country Great Peace March in 1986. [Long shot of Tim walking in Barstow with David Mixner.] He fought to preserve Laguna Canyon [Tim with a hawk and a gnatcatcher on his shoulder] and founded Housing Now! [Tim lobbying for the homeless]. He is a core member of The Orange County Catholic Worker, providing food and clothing to the poor. [Tim serving turkey dinners.] He was a founder of Democrats for Peace Conversion and co-founder of the Orange County chapter of the Alliance for Survival. [Red, white and blue twirling fireworks are set aglow at the corners of the stage.] He helped organize the Orange County chapter of Families Against Three Strikes. [The naked, golden Tim floats holographically out from the video screen and does a series of double-tuck somersaults with half-twists above the audience.] Tim has two bachelor's degrees, a master's degree and teaching credentials in two states. [The hologram begins singing "Carry On" in a garbled computerized voice that vacillates between Screamin' Jay Hawkins and Britney Spears.] Tim fights for the poor and the dispossessed against all odds. This amazing man, this saint of Orange County, doesn't even have vision in his left eye—complications from his arthritis caused it to hemorrhage. There's stuff floating inside it like a Christmas snow dome.

[Thousands of white balloons are released from a net suspended above the audience. Callahan seems possessed.]

CALLAHAN: I'm not done yet. In 1998, within a year of accepting his first job teaching, Carpenter was preparing for class when he collapsed. During emergency surgery, doctors discovered that his colon had burst from a logjam in his intestines. They had to sew Tim a new asshole.

[The audience gasps and then begins to boo Callahan. Plates of the eggplant-pasta main-course picnic dinner are hurled at the video screen. "I didn't need to know that," someone yells.]

CALLAHAN: Tim now teaches history and government at Huntington Beach's Marina High School, where he was named rookie teacher of the year. [A drum cadence begins as the Marina High School marching band enters from stage left, joining C, S, N and Y and the naked, golden Tim in the chorus of "Carry On."] Tim married in 1991. In 1997, he and his wife, Barbara, had their first child, Sheila. They are expecting No. 2 at any moment.

[A cascade of fireworks erupts. Barely visible through the smoke, hologram and balloons, a video of Tim in his empty Marina classroom rolls.]

TIM CARPENTER: When I introduce kids to my class, I tell them that there are two things they're going to learn here. The first is how to survive in an academic setting in college. The second, more important thing is to learn the skills and ability to function in the real world and to find an issue that resonates and is meaningful to them—gun control, decriminalization of marijuana, education, the death penalty. Each one of them is going to get involved and make it a part of their life.

CALLAHAN: What a guy. Despite all his setbacks, Tim does more good on a bad day than most of us do in our prime. Orange County would be a far, far, far less groovy place without him. Tim, wherever you are, I love you. We love you.

MAN IN SANTA SUIT [standing up in the audience]: I love you, too, Nathan. I love you all.

[He rips off his beard. It's Tim Carpenter. The crowd begins cheering wildly. Chants of "Do the Tim, do the Tim!" roll across the floor. The lights go up, and the screen sinks like a white-hot sun behind the stage as the camera pans high over the applauding millions in their still-smoky evening clothes.]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, to present the Tim Carpenter Award for Best Citizen, Mr. Tim Carpenter!