9: Obsequiotic Achievement in Getting Jiggy as All Hell

[Camera pans to Birk, who looks bored.]

SCHOENKOPF: And the winner is: Sandow Birk!

[Sandow bounds onstage, grabs the trophy and jumps out a window. Showgirls begin filing onto the stage to lip-synch and smile to the number "Music" by Madonna. Nobody understands why Madonna is singing about the bourgeoisie. Anthony Pignataro comes onstage and leads Rebecca into the wings, as she's gotten tangled up in a knot of showgirls and can't find her way past their kicking legs and is about to cry. Swaim comes back onstage.]

SWAIM: Rebecca Schoenkopf, everyone! Be sure to look for her in the new David Lynch film Disgusting Things Done With Day-Old Produce.

[Ooohs and aaahs.]

SWAIM: Well, I think all of us would agree that if one thing is missing from the show so far it's dangerous clowns living outside the law. And since former Santa Ana City Councilman Ted Moreno wasn't available, we'd like to offer this short film by Jim Washburn. . . .

[A large screen rises from behind the stage. The titleI Had a Dream There Were Clowns in My Cupcakes appears above the words "A film by Jim Washburn."