6: Achievement in Music and Throbbing Goat Love

...Wait. Strike that Last One.

STANKY: Steve would probably appreciate that.

ALISON: Yes, but he only cares about Emiliana.

EMILIANA: What? Did someone say my name?

ALISON: No, egomaniac. Anyway, our next nominee is Billy Zoom.

GINGER: Zoom is an icon. He was the phenomenally still guitarist for seminal punk band X . . . and he's also [breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably] my father!

ALISON: Our next nominee is Paul McAdams.

STANKY: Paul McAdams is a brilliant musician who plays with his sister Lara in a local band called Paul and Lara.

GINGER [who looks as though nothing just happened]: He's more than just a musician, though—he's also an arranger and a composer.

[Shot of Arrissia and Rebecca fighting in the aisle. Rebecca has Arrissia in a headlock.]

REBECCA: I saw him first!

ARRISSIA: No, you didn't—I did!

REBECCA: I did!

ARRISSIA: I did! Let go of me!

REBECCA: You just like Paul because I like him!

ARRISSIA: You just like him; I love him.

GINGER: I love him! I'm the one who loves him!

STANKY: What dude?

GINGER: Just kiddin', dude.

ALISON: And our final nominee is Lee Rocker, former bass player of Stray Cats and all-around bass extraordinaire.

[Shot of Rebecca and Arrissia being forcibly removed from the auditorium.]

GINGER: And the winner is . . .

STANKY: Billy Zoom.

GINGER: Although he's in the audience, Billy Zoom regrets that he could not be here to accept his award.

STANKY: Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the monitors.

[Hula music plays in the background. Footage is of Billy Zoom reclining on a chaise longue in Maui. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and has a lei around his neck. He's strumming a ukulele and sipping a mai tai from a coconut. Rebecca and Arrissia are on either side of him, reaching over him to slap each other and pull each other's hair. This goes on for about two minutes. The entire TIMe Zoom just stares at the camera with that creepy smile.]

[Alison, Ginger and Stanky exit the stage. Swaim reappears.]

SWAIM: You know, honestly, ladies and gentlemen, Rebecca Schoenkopf is really a bad interviewer. And I don't mean, "She bad"; I mean she's not good at it—not at all. Now let's go live to the secret location where Rebecca Schoenkopf will award the trophy for Best Dance Club!

[Remote feed of Rebecca Schoenkopf in front of the clearly identifiable Boogie.]

REBECCA: Hi, Will! I'm here at a secret location, where in just a few moments I will be awarding the trophy for Best Dance Club! Um, Will? I had to pay to park. Are you sure the paper can't take care of that?

SWAIM: REBECCA, just give out the damn award.

REBECCA: Okey dokey! The nominees for Best Dance Club are . . . Club Rubber in Santa Ana . . .

[Remote camera 2 shows the jammed throng inside the Galaxy Theater. Two girls are sucking face while 14 frat boys watch. Porn stars in vinyl totter about on very high platform boots. A boy waves a glow stick in the cameraman's face until a hand comes out from behind the lens and slaps the boy. He stops.]

REBECCA: . . . The Boom Boom Room in Laguna Beach!

[Remote camera 3 shows shirtless men grinding together to hi-NRG beats in a dark room. It travels across the club to the bar, where go-go boys grind above a dirty old man's face. It looks as if the go-go boys might be stuffing.]

REBECCA: . . . Kokomo's in Irvine.

[Remote camera 4 shows teens packed together like it's spring break at Daytona. Girls are wearing slutty outfits they must have changed into after leaving the house. Boys are pressing on them. They slide up and down one another's sweaty bodies like worms in a compost pile.]

REBECCA: And the winner is . . .

SWAIM: Rebecca, you haven't told us the last nominee.

REBECCA: Oh—the last nominee is the Boogie in Anaheim!

[Remote camera 1 stays on her for a moment and then zooms back to show pretty girls dancing on a shelf around the DJ booth while two other girls fake oral sex on each other on the dance floor. Someone is wearing a swan princess outfit; someone else is wearing a chicken suit. Girls who look like Playboy bunnies sit around lethargically while men walk by and try to grab their asses.]

REBECCA: And the winner is:

the Boogie!

[Suddenly, Rebecca falls, taking the cameraman down with her. The screen goes black.]

The festivities continue...
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