6: Achievement in Music and Throbbing Goat Love

...Wait. Strike that Last One.

GINGER: Lo-Fi Champion are a fun band from Long Beach who write masterfully elegant pop songs.

STANKY: Dude, we write pop songs.

GINGER: Dude, shut up. Our next nominee is The Killingtons.

[Shot of The Killingtons sitting in the audience, smiling. Rebecca and Arrissia are sitting with them. Rebecca is sitting in the singer's lap. The bass player's arm is draped around Arrissia. Arrissia points to the screen and whispers something to him. Rebecca looks up at the camera and waves.]

GINGER: The Killingtons are also from Long Beach.

STANKY: Dude, we're from Long Beach.

GINGER: Would you shut the fuck up, bitch? We're from Stanton.

STANKY [scratching head]: Oh, yeah.

ALISON: The Killingtons were featured on the cover of our most recent music issue. They're a fun band from Long Beach who write masterfully quietly intense songs.

GINGER: Our next nominee is Throw Rag.

[Shot of Throw Rag sitting in the audience, smiling. Rebecca and Arrissia are sitting with them. Rebecca is sitting in the singer's lap. The bass player's arm is draped around Arrissia. Arrissia points to the screen and whispers something to him. Rebecca looks up at the camera and waves.]

STANKY: Throw Rag are a fun band from Costa Mesa, kind of. They write masterful songs that are intense and fun. Kind of.

GINGER: What?

ALISON: And finally, our last nominee is a band called Smile.

[Shot of Smile sitting in the audience, smiling. Rebecca and Arrissia are sitting with them. Rebecca is sitting in the singer's lap. The bass player's arm is draped around Arrissia. Arrissia points to the screen and whispers something to him. Rebecca looks up at the camera and waves.]

GINGER: Smile is a fun band from Costa Mesa who write masterful pop songs.

ALISON: And the winner is?

Stanky: The Pocket Clowns!

[Crowd looks confused and then laughs. Shots of everyone collapsing in giggles again.]

STANKY: Just kidding, I wouldn't dog you, dudes. The winner is Smile!

[Smile take the stage. Singer/ guitarist Mike Rosas moves forward to the microphone.]

MIKE ROSAS: Wow. I don't know what to say. Last year if someone had told me that one day I'd be standing up here accepting this award—

[Rosas looks lovingly at award.]

ROSAS: Well, shucks, I never would have believed it. I hope you don't think it presumptious of me, but I prepared just a few short remarks. . . .

[Rosas pulls out a sheaf of paper.]

ROSAS: You know, I know that these awards shows are usually pretty shallow fare. A tit joke here, a boob joke there. A joke about jugs, a joke about ta-tas, this one pokes fun at another's melons, that one has something to say about someone's bodacious rack. But tonight, I'd like to get a little serious. You see, over the past few months, the fellas and I have realized what's really important. I mean, really important. Like life-changing, life-affirming, wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night, call-your-old-girlfriends important. And that thing, that one, important, life-changing thing is . . . [ACCEPTANCE SPEECH EDITED DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINTS.]

ROSAS [sobbing]: . . . and I never ate cream of mushroom again. Peace.

[Applause as Rosas walks offstage. There are shots of hysterical audience members in tears.]

ALISON: Wow, I don't know what to say. That took guts, and I hope everyone in the audience and out in TV Land listened to every word he said because each one of those words—especially the information about the ointment—is absolutely essential.

The next award we're going to present is the award for best musician.

GINGER: Now, Alison, why don't you tell us a little bit about how this award is chosen.

[Alison shoots Ginger a look that says, "You're going to die."]

ALISON: Cut, cut, cut!

[Alison lights a cigarette and storms to the side of the stage.]

ALISON: Look, baby, I don't mean to be a bitch here, but I thought we were cutting that line.

VOICE: adflkasdflkasdflkasjdf.

ALISON: We are cutting it?

VOICE: fioawer94rt87tkhds.

ALISON: I don't know why the fuck she said it!

VOICE: u9p542jklklh790sdjh.

ALISON: I don't give a damn if she's in the goddamn Pocket Clowns!

[Alison storms back onstage.]

ALISON: The next award we're going to present is the award for Best Musician.

GINGER: Yes.

ALISON: Now, Stanky, if I'm not mistaken, didn't you win this award last year for your phenomenal human beat-box stylings?

STANKY: Yes, I did. It was my honor to represent the OC Weekly. In my tenure as OC Weekly Best Musician, I traveled to 35 different countries, bringing the gift of human beat-box stylings to the people who needed it most.

GINGER: We call him the Ambassador of Human Beat-box Stylings.

ALISON: That's beautiful.

GINGER: And the nominees for best musician are . . .

STANKY: Chris Gaffney.

[Shot of Gaffney sitting in the audience. Arrissia puts her arm around him. Rebecca forcibly removes Arrissia's arm and puts her own arm around him. Arrissia flicks Rebecca in the cheek. Rebecca pulls Arrissia's hair. Gaffney smiles uncomfortably.]

GINGER: Gaffney is a singer/ songwriter/guitar player of virtuosic talent.

STANKY: And where might someone see Gaffney?

ALISON: I don't know. Let's get that information and insert it here before this thing runs.

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