By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
In many ways that has become our mission statement at the Weekly: to look at the world with wonder. But most of all, to be vigilant about keeping up with the latest methods and technologies regarding urine. And I think we've done a good job of sticking to that mission over these past five years.
SWAIM: But don't be misled. While that's what we tell our advertisers and kids, the Weekly will never deviate from our real mission, which [building applause] is and always will be [louder applause] . . . SEX!
[Wild burst of cheering, standing ovations and men twirling screeching cats by their tails.]
DAVE [over speaker]: Will, can we . . .
SWAIM: I know, Davey. I know we're already running over, but this is important. You know, ladies and gentlemen, a lot of people have been jumping on the sex bandwagon lately: The Orange County Register, George W. Bush, just everyone. But we were into porn before it was fashionable, and today we remain a trailblazer. And that will never change—not on my watch. As long as I draw breath, there will always be a place for 6-inch stiletto heels and thigh-high boots from the Pleasure Company and banana-flavored rubbers from Condom Revolution. We will not compromise on this! THEY WILL FIRST HAVE TO PRY THE SPANKY'S DIRECTOR'S CUT OF SODOMANIA SLOPSHOTS VIDEO FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS!
[More wild applause, standing ovations, circus midgets shot out of tiny little cannons.]
SWAIM: Thank you. Well, it had to be said. Now back to the show.The festivities continue...