1: Shall We Begin?

In many ways that has become our mission statement at the Weekly: to look at the world with wonder. But most of all, to be vigilant about keeping up with the latest methods and technologies regarding urine. And I think we've done a good job of sticking to that mission over these past five years.

[Applause.]

SWAIM: But don't be misled. While that's what we tell our advertisers and kids, the Weekly will never deviate from our real mission, which [building applause] is and always will be [louder applause] . . . SEX!

[Wild burst of cheering, standing ovations and men twirling screeching cats by their tails.]

DAVE [over speaker]: Will, can we . . .

SWAIM: I know, Davey. I know we're already running over, but this is important. You know, ladies and gentlemen, a lot of people have been jumping on the sex bandwagon lately: The Orange County Register, George W. Bush, just everyone. But we were into porn before it was fashionable, and today we remain a trailblazer. And that will never change—not on my watch. As long as I draw breath, there will always be a place for 6-inch stiletto heels and thigh-high boots from the Pleasure Company and banana-flavored rubbers from Condom Revolution. We will not compromise on this! THEY WILL FIRST HAVE TO PRY THE SPANKY'S DIRECTOR'S CUT OF SODOMANIA SLOPSHOTS VIDEO FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS!

[More wild applause, standing ovations, circus midgets shot out of tiny little cannons.]

SWAIM: Thank you. Well, it had to be said. Now back to the show.