By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Atlanta update: It's been a tough few weeks for the cradle of the "New South." The just-ended Sydney Olympics were a rousing success, bringing back memories of the atrocious Atlanta Games of '96. Those Games were rife with hate, crime and crass commercialism—commonly known as the "New South." Even more galling is that the Sydney Games were put on by Australians—and they're not setting any records for mental capacity unless it's for ways to prepare and eat rodents. Still, Atlanta residents must have been moved by the brotherhood on display in Sydney . . . except for the disgusting sight of North and South Koreans holding hands and those bellicose Lithuanians who think they're so big but they're not.
St. Louis update: O, Lord, we beseech you, spake so that we might understand your ways. Why dideth our Rams blow so foul yet their Rams throw long, score great, and win Super Bowls most holy? The prophet proclaims, "Stolen waters are sweet," and verily, St. Louis has sucked our water but good. And by good, I mean bad, thou who Am.
World game: Norwegians are greedy, Venezuelans drive too fast, Yemeni don't finish what they start, and Albanians cheat on standardized tests.
Hail Mary: We telleth ourselves all will be made just and our Rams will return, yet their Rams doth not return and we are mocked by talk of expansion most vile, the XFL and foulest of foul, Al Davis. You answer, "A living dog is better than a dead lion," and we have no idea what you're talking about. Seriously, when do we get the Rams back? We don't make a big fuss about the earthquakes or the voices in our heads, and anyway, we weren't even talking about the Lions. The Lions can stay in Detroit. The subject was the Rams. You know, Lord, all respect due and whatever, you often change the subject when the argument isn't going your way.
Consensus: We'll root for our Rams—you hear that, Lord? Mauritanians smell.