Jacksonville update: It says here on Britannica.com that Jacksonville has about 700,000 people, which seems like a lot of people to be jammed into one P.O. box. Jacksonville, of course, doesn't really exist. Like heaven or nirvana, Jacksonville is not a place but a state of mind-that state being clammy, sticky, insect-laden and rife with minds that produce phrases such as "sumbitch" and "they oughta fry that sumbitch. . . . They did?"
Indianapolis update: As of last week, the 2,400 residents of the Lake of the Lanterns Mobile Home Park were still without safe water, yet there were no signs posted to warn residents. Apparently, all available poster board was already in use as signs threatening death to 19-year-old Indiana University student Kent Harvey and IU president Myles Brand for their roles in the firing of basketball coach and walking tracheotomy Bobby Knight. Indiana students also burned Harvey and Brand in
effigy, maced two police officers, tore down goal posts at the football stadium, and removed four bronze dolphins from a campus fountain. A university spokesman dismissed it all as normal IU student life. Still, with all their vandalizing, students didn't have time for one of the more popular campus activities-a fact that gave local cows, especially the "real purty ones," a brief respite.
Did you know: Did you know who is from Jacksonville? No one. Not a single person. Did you also know that Jacksonville was named after President Andrew Jacksonville, whereas my son Jackson was named after-to my undying shame-soap-opera character Jackson Montgomery? I've taken to telling my son he's named after Jackie Robinson. Robinson's real name wasn't Jackson, but my kid is 7 and they're so clueless at that age.
Air attack: On the top floor of one of the residence halls, a sign read, "If Knight goes, we jump." A hollow threat, given that Indiana hasn't had anyone who could jump since Keith Smart.
Consensus: We'll root for Jacksonville. What's not to like? No, seriously, what is there? I'm asking. What?