A Citizen's Cane

Illustration by Bob AulI just got back from a screening of Almost Famous, but instead of tripping wistfully down memory lane after a cool flick, I got to painfully trip back to my handicapped parking space because of you. You stole my cane, you scumbag! In the darkness of the theater, we all heard it fall to the ground three-quarters of the way through the movie-and you took it upon yourself to take it for yourself before the lights came up!

After stealing a cripple's cane, did you wrestle a dolly from the grip of a crying toddler on your way back to your car as well? Did you toss my cane into the bushes when your malicious joke was over? Or did you just display it on the mantelpiece at home, over a papier-mache bust of Caligula?

There's got to be a special kind of hell for callous creeps like you, and perhaps it's this: the next time something really, really disturbing and seemingly unfair happens to you and you look to the heavens for some kind of reason why, THINK OF ME.