Dear Mr. Fuentes

Letters to the most powerful Republican in Orange County

I’ve got hand it to you: first, you say that pro-choice Democrats are like "good Germans denying the existence of the Holocaust," and then you call Dougherty a "Vichy Republican." If I ever want to insinuate that someone is a Nazi, I’ll know who to call for the appropriate reference.

Which brings me to a great idea I had—one that will increase Republican-voter registration and make your job easier. Everyone knows that during World War II, the Nazis persecuted homosexuals. And everyone knows that today, there are oodles of gays in Orange County.

BINGO!

Put the two together, and you’ve got a voter-registration bonanza. Here’s what you do: target the gay community for a Republican-registration drive, and if anyone opposes you . . . call them a Nazi! I’m not talking about simply welcoming the gay lifestyle into to the GOP; you already have the Log Cabin Club acting as the GOP’s doormat. I’m talking about a Fuentes program that could shape the Republican Party into the No. 1 gay party in American politics—a party that really knows how to party! Right now, the Democrats have cornered the market on gays. Why? It doesn’t make sense. Bill Clinton didn’t have the guts to follow through with gays in the military when he was first elected; even his wife criticized that puny policy. Because of Clinton, the rule of law in the service is "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell." That’s not Republican Tom Fuentes’ style. You’ve got balls. If you were president, I bet your policy would be "Don’t Even Bother Asking." I’m sure we both agree that being gay has nothing to do with being a Democrat or a conservative or a liberal or a libertarian or whatever. Look at Roy Cohn. He was a gay conservative staff adviser to Joe McCarthy’s House Un-American Activities Committee and a member of the legal team that prosecuted Julius and Ethel Rosenberg—proof positive that gayness knows no political boundaries. From one straight guy to another, Mr. Fuentes, you could really have some fun embracing homosexuality in your party. Imagine a Republican drag-ball fund-raiser at the Pacific Club. You could call it the Brian Bennett Masquerade (in honor of ex-Congressman Bob Dornan’s gay chief of staff). You might even get into the spirit yourself—cross-dress as Daisy Fuentes (just kidding).

By next September, if you use my idea, the Fuentes Gay Voter Registration Drive will be making headlines in The Orange County Register. This time, they’ll be saying, "REPUBLICANS BACK ON TOP."

Whether you use my idea or not, though, have a wonderful holiday. I bet you can’t guess what I want for Christmas. An autographed photo? Well, if you’re not too busy, I’d love one. You can sign it:

To Nathan: Don’t even bother asking! Your friend, Tom Fuentes.

Merry Christmas and happy Y2K to you.

Your friend,

Nathan Callahan

 

m

April 4, 2000

Dear Mr. Fuentes,

Way to go! It seems you’ve taken my advice and implemented the Fuentes Gay Voter Registration Drive. Yesterday, I saw R. Scott Moxley—the reporter from the Weekly. He said you were "extra-friendly" at the March 7 election-night party. Moxley said that as long as he’s known you, you’ve never been so charming or gracious. You even put your arm around him. Of course, you know Moxley is gay and a Christopher Hitchens liberal. He said, "It would take a bit more than one hug to lure [him] into [your] den." But who knows? Stranger things have happened. Either way, it’s a good start. Keep up the registration effort.

Your friend and adviser,

Nathan Callahan

 

m

July 10, 2000

Dear Mr. Fuentes,

You can’t imagine how flabbergasted I was when R. Scott Moxley delivered a gift from you to me wrapped in red, white and blue ribbon. Thank you so much for the three books: Steve ForbesA New Birth of Freedom, Ann Coulter’s High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton and Bob Zelnick’s Backfire: A Reporter’s Look at Affirmative Action.

The first thing I did was fan through all the pages to see if you enclosed an autographed photo of yourself. I guess it must have fallen out. Could you send me another?

What did fall out was your business card. It makes a cool bookmark:

 

Tom Fuentes

Director

Regnery Publishing

 

I had no idea you were a director of a publishing house.

All three Regnery books were very entertaining, even though I usually don’t read political propaganda. I was wondering: Are they supposed to be funny? In her book, Coulter writes, "We have a national debate about whether Clinton ‘did it,’ even though all sentient people know he did. . . . Otherwise there would only be debates about whether to impeach or assassinate."

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