Heat Strokes for Different Folks

The OC Weekly Festival Concert Preparation Manual Course (as seen on TV!)

THE HEAT Heat your oven to 450 degrees. Squirt sunscreen directly into your eyeballs and then climb into the oven. It's okay if your legs hang out. Ask your friends to bump into you repeatedly.

THE NOISE Find two of the loudest guys you know. Take them to a bar and get them drunk. Take them home. Position one to your left and one to your right. Have the one on the left yell, "Woo!" and the one on right yell, "Yeah!" Stand between them for eight hours. Halfway through, invite a girl in a bikini to sit on the shoulders of the one on your right. Have her also yell, "Woo," but at a higher pitch. Now, turn the TV to a program you want to watch. Have the bikini-clad woo-girl atop the shoulders of the yeah-guy stand directly in front of you. If you lean to the left, they lean to the left. If you lean to the right, they lean, etc.

THE BATHROOM Smear something foul all over the walls; French cheese will work. Remove all toilet paper. Jam something in the hinge of your door so it doesn't close all the way. Put dirt all over the sink. Remove soap.

FINDING YOUR FRIENDS Go to a mall with four friends. Have everyone split up in different directions. The farther they get from the starting location the better. Wait a few hours and then try to find them. Bonus points if one goes home without telling anyone.

FINDING YOUR CAR Give a friend the keys to your car. Ask your friend to cover your car with fliers and park it in a crowded parking lot. Try to find your car. When you finally find it, start the motor and sit there for 25 minutes. Drive around the parking lot a few times without exceeding 8 mph an hour before going home.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed the course and are now ready to enter the cruel world of outdoor festival concerts. Go get 'em, champ!

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