June 10. At 12:30 a.m., Officer Hughes was clearing a loud party at 4812 Seashore Lane in Newport Beach. After the revelers were dispersed, the chief partier and resident hailed the officer, claiming that someone had stolen his smoke machine. Apparently, the victim had rented a smoke machine to celebrate his 25th birthday. When the party ended and the smoke cleared, the machine was gone. The unit had cost the victim $40 to rent plus a $600 deposit, which he now stands to lose. An unidentified female straggler claimed she saw "someone" carry the machine from the living room to the back patio door but, perhaps due to the haze, was unable to provide an accurate description. Police are looking for a billowy, cumulonimbus white male.
OBJECTS IN MIRROR MAY BE RAUNCHIER THAN THEY APPEAR June 8. A Newport Beach woman told police she walked out to her 1984 Toyota Supra parked on 22nd Avenue in Costa Mesa to find the word "cunt" scrawled in ink on the front and back windshields. Thoughtfully, on the rear windshield, it was spelled in reverse. No word yet on what a Newport Beach woman is doing with a 1984 Toyota Supra.
FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE June 11. Although Sunday grew into a hot, sunny day, commencement was soggy and somewhat pungent for the principal of Carden Hall elementary school at 1541 Monrovia in Newport Beach last Sunday. Laborers had spent Saturday assembling the speaker's stage and arranging chairs precisely around the quad area. The principal arrived at the quad prepared to lead the graduation exercises and celebrate the students' almost-completed journey to adolescence. However, the principal quickly discovered that maturity had not yet come to all. Alleged student vandals had tornadoed through the school, wreaking havoc on the graduation grounds. Chairs were scattered wildly around the quad, and one even hung from the school's flagpole. A fire extinguisher was discharged in the boys' bathroom, leaving a flame-retardant mess. Then came the coup de no grace: enacting every detention-hall regular's dream reprisal, one prankster climbed onto the school's roof and urinated through an open skylight. It appears as if the stream of urine cascaded directly onto its intended target: the principal's desk.
SEALED WITH A KISS June 12. Perhaps taking a cue from Carden Hall's prank, some Costa Mesa students allegedly created their own school lockout. A janitor opening Costa Mesa High School at 2650 Fairview at 5:30 a.m. Monday found the entranceway doors sealed with Super Glue. Closer inspection revealed that almost all of the nearly 100 doors in the school had been glued shut. Furthermore, most of their locks were filled with a cement-like epoxy, making it impossible to even insert a key. Arriving students were herded into the gymnasium until the classroom doors were finally pried open, hours after the problem was discovered. Administration and police suspect the perpetrators are CMHS students. Apparently, this is not the first door-gluing incident at the school, but it was the first time police were called. The cost of repairing the doors and replacing the locks is estimated at $2,000.