Its Phallic-tastic!

Handicapping the Weenie Fester, Roast

The fuckin' OC Weekly DataLab has been fuckin' rockin' out, dood! We're gettin' all psyched and shit for Saturday's annual KRO-fuckin'-Q Weenie fuckin' Fest, which we've taken the liberty of renaming, on account of all the kick-ass (or is that kiss-ass?) jock-rock bands on the bill. It's an event sure to be a blur of testosterone, bonfires, wifebeater tanks, tattoos, surly facial expressions and (if Woodstock '99 is any indication, and hopefully it isn't) a sexual assault or five during Limp Bizkit's set—pack your pepper spray, ladies!

Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst is the same dork who caused a near-riot at last year's Weenie Roast by demanding that his worshipers rush the stage, which they did, trampling security and anything else standing in their way, including one woman in a wheelchair. Will anything similar occur this year? Our pricy DataLab computers predict the odds and handicap a slew of other possibilities:

96% — Chance that Durst will do/say/think something stupid.

51% — Chance that the amount of toxic gases spewing from the mouths of Korn's Jonathan Davis and Durst will be even stronger than the toxic gases seeping through the trousers of people at the Beach Fest's Chili Cookoff, happening concurrently in Long Beach.

78% — Chance that some inebriated, inbred jerk in the audience will throw something at No Doubt's Gwen Stefani, the lineup's only female presence.

88% — Chances that he (and it will be a he) will be a Limp Bizkit or Korn fan.

12% — Chance that the nefarious hurler will be a Moby fan.

29% — Number of Third Eye Blind fans in attendance who'll feel like they're severely lacking in machismo.

39% — Number of people in the crowd who'll think that "the Godsmack song" is really Incubus.

37% — Number of people in the crowd who'll think that "the Incubus song" is really Godsmack.

62% — Number of people in the crowd who can't tell the difference between Godsmack and Incubus.

64% — Number of Creed fans in attendance who'll sell their CDs after the show upon realizing that Creed's music induces catatonia quicker than a handful of sleeping pills.

84% — Chances that Stefani will announce something along the lines of "We're so happy to be playing our hometown!" or "I saw my first concert here [David Bowie/The Go-Go's/ Madness, 1983], and now we're playing here!"

39% — Percentage of their career, as of 1996, that Stone Temple Pilots have overstayed their frickin' rock & roll welcome.

80% — Percentage of their career, as of 2000, that Stone Temple Pilots have overstayed their frickin' rock & roll welcome.

77% — Percentage of casual music listeners who think Lit are product pitchmen instead of a band.

53% — Increase in the number of irate phone calls the DataLab will receive for that flippant, wise-ass remark.

100% — Percentage of DataLab desk phones equipped with Caller ID.

58% — Chance that a rabid jock-rock fan will utter something along the lines of "GET YOU AND YOUR FAGGOTY DISCO OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!" during Moby's set.

100% guaranteed — Chance that someone, somewhere, sometime will light one up during Cypress Hill's set (and we ain't talking tobacco).

98% — Percentage of Eminem fans who'll show up only to be disappointed upon finding out that their hero had to pull out of the bill.

100% — Percentage of local daily newspapers this was reported in well before June 17.

26% — Percentage of Eminem fans who read a daily newspaper regularly.

14% — Percentage of Eminem fans who can read.

85% — If given the chance, odds of Stefani whipping Durst's wussy-boy ass in a fight.

94% — Chance of at least two bonfires breaking out on the field during the set of any random jock-rock band.

3% — Chance that such an ancient purification-by-fire ritual on their home turf will help the Angels win the pennant.

15% — Number of people who'll actually miss the now-retired Richard Blade's dopey band intros.

62% — Number of KROQ "on-air personalities" for whom the phrase "You have a great face for radio" seems to have been coined.

100% — Percentage of Weenie Fest bands who'll see boosts in airplay on KROQ.

0% — Not counting Beck, percentage of bands on the July 2 This Ain't No Picnic bill (Yo La Tengo, Built to Spill, Modest Mouse, Sense Field, Beachwood Sparks, etc.), strangely co-sponsored by KROQ, who'll see boosts in their rotation on the station.

2% — Chances that everybody on the bill (except for Moby, No Doubt, the Offspring, Everclear and maybe even Cypress Hill, bands that DataLab workers actually enjoy) will gather together in a locked room somewhere backstage after the show and have hot, horn-dog, monkey-lovin' coitus with one another until their heads explode, thereby creating a void whereupon music can start being good again.

The KROQ Weenie Roast, Edison Field, 2000 E. Gene Autry Way, Anaheim, (714) 634-2000 or (714) 663-9000. Sat., 11 a.m. Sold out.

 
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