Judy Tenuta is really mean. She calls men "pigs" and "dogs" and "pigdogs." Luckily, I am not a man, so Tenuta and I got along swimmingly, especially since I phoned her at the exact minute I was supposed to. (It's a really good way to impress people with your "professionalism." Also good is returning phone calls, though I don't know anyone who actually goes that far.) If I had been wearing pants, she probably would have charmed them right off me. As it was, I kissed her ass, and she kissed mine, but mostly I kissed hers. It's only right.
OC Weekly: Hello, Miss Tenuta. Is it hard being a love goddess? Judy Tenuta: It is hard! You have to wake up at 8 p.m. to verbally abuse the people who worship you. These pigs are not properly worshipful! They need to go to boot camp. They need to serve us. What would they learn in boot camp?
Well, one, do not try to take us camping to score! They want us to look like Barbie dolls and then squat or balance on a log! And here's another weird thing men do: a woman could look like Godzilla, but if she's got blond hair and a miniskirt, men start walking into walls. She's ugly! Even my boyfriend does it.
Is your boyfriend Emo Philips? I thought you guys were married.
No! Isn't it weird how rumors start? No, Emo and I used to do shows together. It was kind of more like a science experiment. If he turned his head 180 degrees, it would probably be for a salamander. No, my boyfriend designs theme-park rides.
Is he an Imagineer?
He used to be! He has his own company. I think I'm supposed to be one of the rides.
In your capacity as a diva, would you ever throw a fit and start screaming at the sound man?
I would never dream of screaming at a sound man! I saw an interesting diva fit once. We went and saw Elton John at the Greek.
Ew! I hate him!
He comes out half an hour late. He starts playing, and he goes, "This piano's not right!" and storms off the stage. He was gone for another 20 minutes. He couldn't have figured it out during sound check? I guess it was his time of the month.
I always just thought he was a fat little man. Who's your favorite designer, and will you be attending the Oscars?
I love Versace, and, um, just Versace, I guess. Obviously, Trey Parker already wore his gown to the Oscars. I would hope to attend the Oscars. I go to the Grammys and the American Comedy Awards. I won the very first one for Best Female Comic. I won the same time as Jerry Seinfeld. But what most people don't know is if you win, you can't win again.
How glamorous is your lifestyle, Miss Tenuta?
It's quite glamorous, I would say. I wake up in the morning in some kind of goddess gown. Then love slaves come over and buff my toes. Then I try to convince mortal slime to give me a sitcom.
Why on Earth don't you have a sitcom?
You know why? Because there's no scandal! I need a scandal! I need to have a Slurpee on Sunset Boulevard with Hugh Grant! Robert Downey Jr. is on death row, and he's done four films already, while he's in jail! They keep letting him out to go work on movies!
Those are all gay men in the back doing the cooking and sewing! She's crazy! I once saw her show a mink cover —I kid you not!—for a hot-water bottle. "This is very nice, especially if you live in a cold climate like I do."
Got any advice for the ladies?
You've gotta be mean to these pigs! Mean women always have these great guys. They all need a big fat spanking. I'm excited to see all my studcicles and super-subvirgins in Irvine. Hopefully, I'll see a big fashion show, not just people in some T-shirts. Come see me on Friday! Saturday is Dating Night.