Who's Gay In History?

Pretty much everybody

I always thought that a giant ant that was just big enough, essentially, to blow you was lots scarier than the giant ants the size of Huey helicopters that you always see in the movies. Which brings me to the point of mentioning that Mothra was gay. Did you ever see the movie where they lure Mothra into a trap by getting him to follow a cashmere-covered fighter jet into a volcano? Watch it again sometime for the gay subtext. In the rigid world of Japanese society in the 1960s, such stories could only be told in code, much as how, in America, man-man lovin' was the hidden story embedded in the D-day epic The Schlongest Day.

There are many more gay people in history—so many, in fact, that it has put many straight people off from attempting time travel. I mean, what if you went back in time 2,000 years, just to have the head of John the Baptist hit on you?

"Hey, you in the Levi's! Want a little head?"

You didn't know that about him, did you? Don't worry, you can always count on us at the Weekly to tell you WHO'S GAY . . . and Who's Not! Except for Ricky. We just don't know about him. But we can fantasize.

*I'm not saying this is an actual tape of Cyrus. It could be any of a number of persons enjoying a lucrative career as a Billy Ray impersonator. **Okay, her book was really calledOrdeal, but that's just a shorter way of saying you've got a dog dick in your mouth.
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