Jazz Hands, Everyone!

If the hair of Jon Bon Jovi (née Bongiovi) could talk, it wouldn't say much of anything, judging by the snoozalicious Behind the Music about the lilac-wearing, sequin-sporting, Jersey-living, chick-maned power balladeer. Of course, I know at least one former Vandal who says "Wanted Dead or Alive" still sets his air guitar on fire. Unfortunately, the best dirt VH1 could come up with was that before the band canned Alex Such, he went public in a tab with the trumpeting cut line: "Bon Jovi told me, 'Your playing sucks!'" It was, according to the overwrought announcer, the greatest betrayal of all!

"It's too bad he had to air his laundry in public," Richie Sambora (whose blow-dried locks were uncannily reminiscent of those of his wife, Heather Locklear) intoned prissily. What a bunch of pussies! I bet in their past lives they were, um, not very interesting then, either.