Wake Me When Its Sexy

Watching Playboys Sex Court

The couple simulates missionary-style office sex on a conference table while their saucy boss sits next to them and simulates masturbation, which—and this is integral to fake porn—involves using her entire hand to cover anything that might resemble genitalia and then wiggling her hand around while throwing her head back in exaggerated abandon. While this is going on, all the sexy court people like the bailiffs and Nikita and Onyx begin taking off pieces of their already piecey vinyl clothing and rubbing up against one another and kissing and rubbing up against the plaintiffs and defendant while the studio audience is instructed to coo.

It's all very fantastically uninteresting, and I begin to look at my watch, and then look at the people having fake sex, and then at my watch again, and then at the prop/snack area to my right where two crew guys are affixing dildos to the head of a toy carousel pony amidst an array of valentine balloons, cake, Gatorade, water guns and all sorts of other things that are either props or food items. This priapic pony is being used in the next "case," and I wish I had it in me to stay for another go-round, but I'm so burned out I can barely keep my eyes focused on all the fake sexiness going on around me.

It's time to go, to leave this bizarre, non-shocking world and return to the real one where penetration actually occurs, judges wear clothing, and people don't eat and cover their toy ponies with dildos in the same place.

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