By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Matt Coker
By Nick Schou
By Bethania Palma Markus
As told to Alison M. Rosen Ever watched a rabbit lick a salt spool? Watched as it just sits there, licking away, like some kind of heathen, heady from the rush of the salt, no longer listening to reason, just following one thing and one thing only, that being the pleasure of the salt, the cool, crystalline pleasure of the salt scooped up onto that hot little rabbit tongue. More and more salt, the tongue flicking faster and faster over the salt spool, the rabbit's eyes half-lidded. Faster and faster, the tongue probing the salt, flirting with the salt, seducing the salt. The rabbit needs the salt. The rabbit wants the salt. The rabbit will have the salt.
And that's just salt. What the rabbit really wants is sex. The House Rabbit Society (www.rabbit.org) recommends neutering male rabbits because neutered rabbits "are relieved of the intense need to mate, which limits their ability to enjoy other things in life." The rabbit, you see, is a deeply sensual beast, swayed neither by morals nor logic but simply by its own intense urges.
Under cars, on our front lawns, in our azaleas, in front of strangers, in front of one another, in front of our children, rabbits everywhere are fucking like rabbits. They know no shame, and they have no sense of modesty.
"Rabbits do not seem to be concerned with our human notions of nakedness and exhibitionism," says Center for Excellence in Traditional Educational Values Coalition's Sam Guy. "They'll do it anywhere."
Do you hear what I'm hearing? They aren't human, people! They're not! They're animals! Wanton, immoral, lustful beasts that will stop at nothing to fulfill their insatiable sexual drive. It's a travesty, a crisis, a sin, a national catastrophe. And once they get finished with one another, they're coming for you.
Now, you may ask, what can you do about it?
To begin with, do not panic. Repeat, DO NOT PANIC! Rabbits smell fear, and it just makes them horny.
Now, while we have received no information to indicate that rabbits have attempted to commit the sexual act with humans, we've also seen nothing to indicate that they won't.
But there's a more pressing issue here than actual rabbit-human sex, and that is the insidious message we are sending to our children by exposing them to the lustful ways of the rabbit.
You love your kids. You care for them, walk them across the street, pack them a good sack lunch, read to them from the Scriptures, and try to instill in them a deeply ingrained fear of sex. You are a good parent. You surely do not expose your children to pagan, sinful, dangerous rabbits.
But what about your neighbors? Are you sure they don't have "pet" rabbits? (How people can invite Beelzebub himself into their home, rename him Flopsy and then call him a "pet" is beyond me, but that's neither here nor there.)
Just one sighting by your impressionable tykes of rabbits copulating, and you're looking at years of good upbringing down the drain. Blammo! Say hello to Little Suzy and Little Bobby, the tiny sex-crazed maniacs. Then come the drugs, the stealing to support the drug habit, the prostitution, the gangs. Can black magic and Communism be far behind?
Little Charlie "The Manimal" Tucker, 10, is now a black-magic-practicing Communist who uses the e-mail handle DarkRabbit69. His mother, Gloria Tucker of Mission Viejo, began noticing changes in her son shortly after his 8th birthday. "Something just seemed different, like he was changing," Tucker recalls. "His appetite diminished, and his grades started dropping. His teachers were calling me. And I didn't know what to tell them. I guess he . . . "
Tucker pauses, her eyes filling with tears.
"Well, I guess, what they tell me is that he bit another classmate during a spelling bee."
Tucker first thought her son might be anorexic, then bulimic, then suffering from recovered memory syndrome. It wasn't until she saw her neighbor cleaning out a rabbit hutch that she knew it was the rabbits that had gotten to Charlie.
"I just knew," she says quietly. "You could just tell. It was obvious."
Now, you may be wondering what you can do to prevent Charlie's tragic story from happening in your home.
First you must assess how much damage has already been done. What exactly did your child see? Rabbit sex? Why, no, little Kenny, that wasn't rabbits having sex, no, that was two rabbits practicing a dance routine! Or, no, little Jane, that wasn't two rabbits having sex, that was one rabbit standing on the back of the other rabbit in order to reach something!
See, what we're saying is that you need to sit your precious kids down and then lie, lie, lie. Lie like the wind. Lie through your teeth. Tell a tall tale. Put Pinocchio to shame. Do whatever you can to convince your children that the fornicating rabbits were not fornicating. These lies may be the best gift you ever give your children.
My husband, Dr. Physiks, was able to put his own philosophical spin on it: "Sometimes a lie is the closest thing to the truth, if by truth you mean not exactly the truth but something like it."
Find everything you're looking for in your city
Find the best happy hour deals in your city
Get today's exclusive deals at savings of anywhere from 50-90%
Check out the hottest list of places and things to do around your city