Baked Alaska Airlines

Illustrtation by Bob AulYou're better off scarfing down a McDonald's Big Mac, French fries and a strawberry sundae than you are eating airline food, according to a survey released on May 1 by the Online Health and Fitness Network, a.k.a. eFit (www.eFit.com). Nutritionists from eFit say they analyzed first-class and coach-class meals from 15 airlines and found that the average airborne meal contains 1,000 to 1,200 calories, 50 to 60 grams of fat, and 2,000 milligrams of sodium. That's pretty much the only thing you should swallow all day, according to the Food and Drug Administration's Daily Reference Values, which hold that the average person should consume no more than 2,000 calories, 65 grams of fat and 2,400 milligrams of sodium. We plebeians can take solace in the fact that first-class meals have more calories, fat and sodium than coach slop. Who knew their seats were wider because of their asses?

SILICONE VALLEY Congresswoman and Democratic National Committee co-chairwoman Loretta Sanchez (D-Garden Grove) will throw a bash at the Playboy Mansion to coincide with August's Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles, according to an "Inside the Beltway" nugget in the May 3 Washington Times. Sanchez, who will forever be Orange County's Miss November for taking the congressional seat from Robert "B-1 Belch" Dornan in 1996, will host the spread with her friend, Playboy heiress Christie Hefner. Clockwork can't help but wonder if this is a friendship of convenience, considering that one of Dornan's crusades during his 18 years in the House was trying to ban the sale of Playboy at military bases. Meanwhile, the thought of this Playboy blowout conjures up a sight we can't shake no matter how many shots of sour mash we inhale: Bubba and Ted Kennedy, blubber pouring out of their too-tight Speedos, blindly groping anything that moves in the whirlpool.

TREE PEOPLE The Filth and the Fury, the Sex Pistols documentary that premiered in London on May 5, is billed as the world's first "carbon-neutral" movie, reports the London Daily Telegraph. Producers struck a deal with the environmental group Future Forests to plant 500 trees to absorb the carbon dioxide the group claims was created by editing and distributing the Julien Temple film. Johnny Rotten (née John Lydon) wants the trees to become part of a woodland called "The Filthy and Furious Forest," but not all are buying this sudden altruism from the notorious punk band that once declared there's "no future." "It is a bit odd," said Adam Minns of Screen International magazine. "Perhaps it's atonement for all the guitars and hotel rooms they smashed up." An unnamed music agent reportedly told the Telegraph that the late Sid Vicious, the band's original bass player, would be "turning in his grave" at the idea of the Pistols worrying about pollution. Two guys more cynical than Johnny Rotten? Imagine that.

HE PUT THE "LOU" IN "LOSER" Orange County's Eleanor Roosevelt Democratic Club, which represents gay and lesbian Democrats, has an item in its current newsletter announcing the Democratic Party Central Committee's biennial county convention, which takes place Friday and Saturday in Anaheim. Eleanor runs down the confirmed speakers and attendees, including Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez (D-Garden Grove), state Attorney General Bill Lockyer and state Senator Joe Dunn (D-Santa Ana). But this advice is given to club members when it comes to another attending officeholder, Assemblyman Lou Correa (D-Santa Ana): "Hold the tomatoes." On June 4, 1999, an Assembly bill that would have banned discrimination against public school students and employees on the basis of sexual orientation fell one vote short of passage. Correa, who had been lobbied hard by conservative hatemonger Lou Sheldon, voted against the bill. (You may recall that, at the time, Clockwork came to this conclusion: "LOU CORREA IS LOU SHELDON'S BITCH!") Eleanor's right in holding the tomatoes. Unless they're canned.

 
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