By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Sunday, April 23. Police were summoned by a Laguna Beach resident who complained that a man in the neighboring apartment unit was shooting birds with a BB gun. The caller also said the man was "causing a mess with bird's blood after striking the birds." When confronted, the suspect admitted to owning a BB gun but denied killing any birds.
THE CAR YOU CAN BEAT WTIH A STICK Sunday, April 23. Driving her Lexus westbound on Balboa Boulevard, a Newport Beach woman stopped for a pedestrian crossing the street at a marked crosswalk. The pedestrian was carrying a stick. After he had passed, the woman resumed driving through the crosswalk. As she pulled away, the suspect turned around, whacked her car twice with the stick and ran. Upon investigation, police discovered two small dents on the car's passenger side. The victim said she has no idea why the suspect hit her car.
CITY SLICKER Monday, April 24. An animated caller summoned Laguna Beach police to promptly remove a "snake nest with six eggs" that had appeared in the garden below her house. Police arrived ready for action. Upon closer inspection, the menacing structure turned out to be a bird's nest.
STUART LITLLE Monday, April 24. A Laguna Beach woman who had found several mice prowling her apartment called Laguna Beach police headquarters to complain because her landlord planned to fumigate. She told police she had developed a fondness for the rodents and considered them her pets.
AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY PIE Tuesday, April 25. Laguna Beach police were summoned to a Domino's pizza store to counsel a man attempting to pay for a pizza with a single cigarette. The man complied and paid with cash.
THE DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER Tuesday, April 25. A group of 14 arrived at the Benihana restaurant in Newport Beach for a dinner reservation under the name "Brad." While dining, a male member of the party became loud and verbally abusive. The suspect began to walk around the restaurant exhibiting a staggered gait and poor balance, visibly drunk. He wandered back to his table when the check arrived. The suspect immediately became enraged over the amount of the check and said to the restaurant manager, "You are trying to fuck me over!" The suspect then attempted to divide the check using a calculator but was too drunk to do so. The suspect became further enraged, rose from his chair and began walking around the restaurant, yelling about the service. Fearful for the safety of the patrons, the manager followed the suspect through the dining room. Observing this, the suspect yelled, "Why are you following me? YOU FUCKER!" and then pushed the manager in the chest and attempted to choke him. The suspect's companions scrambled to restrain their friend and escorted him out of the restaurant. The suspect, believed to be about 160 pounds and clad in a silver shirt and blue jeans at the time of the attack, is still at large. The bill was paid in full.
ANOTHER SATISFIED WEEKLY READER Tuesday and Wednesday, April 25-26. Laguna Beach police were summoned several times to investigate a man in a black Thunderbird who was alternately "wrapping newspaper around his head and beating on his vehicle with a tire iron" and "possibly disrobing."
THE BARBIE SNATCHER Wednesday, April 26. A Newport Beach woman returned home from work and found her kitchen window ajar and the screen missing. Muddy footprints lined the floor, and the garage light was on. Realizing her house had been burglarized, the woman immediately notified police. Upon investigation of the entrance and exit, the police concurred that a burglary had indeed occurred. Stolen were the following: three I Love Lucy commemorative-edition Barbie Dolls.
"MEDICATED" Friday, April 28. A panicked Laguna Beach man summoned police to his home to investigate a home-invasion robbery in progress. Officers discovered the agitated caller had been heavily medicated, drunk and "watching ghost stories" when his imagination took hold.