By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
COMINGS AND GOINGS
Todd P. Wavely has joined the Newport Beach office of the Enshitz Group, an international commercial real-estate firm. Wavely will take over as Associate Vice President in Charge of Terrorizing Poor Families with No Access to the Legal System, replacing Karen T. Kreln, who was recently tapped to head up the firm's Smug Entitlement division. Wavely was formerly a vice president with C.C. Hemroing, LLC, in Fullerton and will relocate to Newport Beach with his wife, Aletha, and her two children from a previous marriage.
Edward C. Fuce has been hired as District Manager in Charge of Agreeing With the Boss No Matter What Kind of Crazy Shit the Frigging Tool Is Spewing at Teltar Communications, an Aliso Viejo firm specializing in not being able to tell anyone exactly what it is they do. Fuce previously had responsibility for Tearing Down Underlings in Front of Their Superiors at LickThis.com, an Irvine-based Internet firm formed last Wednesday that recently purchased the Department of Education.
Harland G. Peezar, 73, Vice President in Charge of Making Stuff Up, is leaving Reichville Marketing and Public Relations because he is a constant reminder of death.
Funeral services were held for John R. Tite, former Vice President of Minimizing Others' Accomplishments While Grossly Exaggerating Your Own at C.C. Hemroing, LLC, in Fullerton. Tite had been missing for more than a year—he was eventually replaced by Todd P. Wavely—before his remains were found in the driver's seat of his car, parked in front of company headquarters. "John was a wonderful man and a model employee," said Debbie Joakim, Hemroing VP in Charge of Saying Things That No One Really Believes but Sound Nice in the Paper. Tite is survived by his former wife, Aletha, and their two children.
UP THE LADDER
Dook Securities Corporation has promoted Carol Pinkus to Director of Having No Life Outside the Company While Making Those Who Do Feel Guilty and Paranoid About It. Pinkus has been at Dook for 18 years and has never left the premises.
The Newport office of the Enshitz Group, an international commercial real-estate firm, has promoted Todd P. Wavely to head up the company's Smug Entitlement division, taking over for Karen T. Kreln, who has been reported missing. Company spokesman Jim Meyers said the company "expects a smooth transition since Todd and Karen worked very closely together." He added that the company "will be better off with Todd since Karen was a pushy chick who didn't know the meaning of the word 'respect.' I know for a fact she was gunning for my job. Frankly, I hope they never find her, you know, alive." Meyers has run the company's Unwittingly Saying Things out Loud That You Thought You Were Only Thinking in Your Head operation for the past decade.
The Rooney Group has promoted Wilson Rooney, the company's Chief Executive Officer and Chairman of the Board, to the position of Overlord in Charge of Time and Space. Rooney, who is the company's only employee, said he would "work hard to live up to the group's trust." He announced that his initial plans include relocating company headquarters from the basement of his parents' La Habra home to a clearing in northern Montana, as well as "baptizing in fire all who oppose me."
IN THE SPOTLIGHT
Local Heroes Inc. recently gave its bimonthly Good Guy Award to Todd P. Wavely of the Enshitz Group. Wavely was cited for starting his company's highly successful "Photo Op With a Poor Kid Whom You Never Have to Touch. Ten Seconds, Click, Click, Over and Out" public-service program. In accepting his award, Wavely said the Photo Op program has "given hope to countless at-risk executives who are looking for something to get them over the top, public-relations-wise. These are the forgotten people, shunned because they are only very wealthy, who nonetheless strive against not very great odds at all to be extremely rich."
Gated-community developer Wellstone Builders was recently awarded the second annual Safe Neighborhoods, Safe Families Award by the Masada Group of northern Montana. Wellstone was cited for its Ironclad Project located somewhere in the western United States. Company spokeswoman Rhonda Erling, who refused to give the exact location of the development, said his company was "thrilled to receive the award" and looked forward to "sharing it with Ironclad's residents after they get out of their present, and may I add routine, lockdown situation."
Todd P. Wavely of the Enshitz Group is being sought by police for questioning in the disappearance of Enshitz executive Karen T. Kreln. Company spokesman Jim Meyers expressed shock on behalf of his Enshitz colleagues. "Hey, better him than me," he said. "Like killing two birds with one stone, if you know what I mean. I mean, I know for a fact he was gunning for my job, so the hell with both of them. And we don't like the Mexicans."