By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
My question for you is: I have the solid food down, but how can I drink when I'm already underwater?
Sincerely,Senator O-ring Snatch Dos Prompt, Utah Dear Senator: Use a straw, you idiot. I can't believe all the undeserved trim you Beltway types attract. I don't even like you having a franking privilege.
The man I love, he treat me oh-so mean.
I can eat no fat, and he can eat Eileen.
The man I love, he's so fine and mellow,
I asked for water, and he brought me lemon Jell-O.
The man I love, he's—pardon me, but someone's stabbing me, and I can't continue. Hey, stop that! How'd you like it if someone stabbed you? Get away from here! Scat!
I'm sorry, where was I?
Oh, the man I love, he hired an assassin.
Why'd he do that, if you don't mind me askin'?A Bombed Blonde Shell of Her Former Self Costa Mesa
P.S.: Could you bring some bandages home with you? I've had a hankering for them all afternoon.Dear Blonde Shell: Sure thing, honey. And I didn't pay that assassin. He owed me some work for my helping with his patio deck, and I couldn't think of anyone else to kill. See you at 6.
Why did the werewolf get married on the Internet?
Because he wanted to e-lope.Lou Guru via e-mail I will not dignify that with an answer, particularly since I wrote it.
A bunch of us in our dorm at UC Irvine recently got a hold of some of that "date rape" drug we'd read so much about. We put it in a big punch bowl filled with a drink we call "Sleeping With the Fishes" (it's mostly vodka and guppies), and down the old hatch it went. We all drank it, some 28 of us, men, women and a gecko, and not one of us felt the least bit compromised or ravaged when we woke up the next day, except the gecko, who looked sort of like a naked Strom Thurmond when he came to. What's the big deal?Ice Cream Jones Irvine