By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Matt Coker
By Nick Schou
By Bethania Palma Markus
Illustration by Bob AulAnnouncer: Thank you for joining us tonight as CNN and the Los Angeles Grind bring you this debate among the Republican presidential contenders. Joining us are Governor George W. Bush of Texas; Senator John McCain of Arizona; and Alan Keyes, former United States ambassador to The Jeffersons. Your moderator tonight is CNN's Larry King.larry King: To begin tonight, Governor Bush, why is Mr. Keyes always seated between you and Senator McCain at these events? Governor George W. Bush: It's just a coincidence, Larry, though [chuckle] it does remind me a little of a "chocolate sandwich" act I saw in Juarez once in my college days. Okay, maybe twice. No more than five times total—prior to 1987, that is. King: Tell us something most voters don't know about you. Bush: I have a ruby in my navel. King: Did you ever get any Hindu nookie back in college? Bush: Now, how would I know that? As I read it, philosophy wasn't one of "the Four Fs." Senator John McCain: Weren't they Find'em, inFiltrate'em, Fight 'em . . . Bush: Something like that. King: Senator McCain, you're touted as the reform candidate. Why? McCain: Probably because of my bold plan to make America a dust-free nation by 2004. I'm not just talking about homes and workplaces. I mean everyone out on the streets, sidewalks and forests with their vacuum cleaners. We'll collect it all in bags and sell it to Cuba, if they're so eager to trade with us. King: Wouldn't that violate the embargo? McCAIN: We're going to have to rethink a lot of our trade agreements until other nations start to play fair. For instance, I support imposing a 100 percent duty on the cheeses of Nazareth. Bush: I do, too! Ambassador Alan Keyes: Do you even know where Nazareth is? Bush: I was more of a Uriah Heep fan, myself. King: There have been several charges of bigotry in this campaign. Is there any substance to them? Bush: I love Catholics. I'll give my grandchildren to the pope, whatever. I'm a cipher, not a fighter. Keyes: The only people I hate are communists . . . oh, and my own people. King: Senator McCain? McCain: Sorry, I couldn't hear you. There was some gook in my headset. King: No, I believe Ambassador Keyes is African-American. Keyes: Prove it! McCain: No, I mean there's some gook on this headset. It looks like library paste or something. Bush: Let me finish. I hate communism, too. I hate communism so much that I paid Moscow $2 million to let me screw a good-looking Russian chick on top of Lenin's tomb, with me staring down into Lenin's dead eyes, with every stroke shouting, "Take that, sucker!" That's how much I hate communism. I don't have a communistic bone in my bonnet! King: I'd like now to introduce to our meeting of the minds the lovely and talented Jayne Meadows as history's Vlad the Impaler. Vlad: Thank you, Larry. King: You're welcome, Mr. Impaler. May I call you Vlad? Vlad: Certainly—just don't call me late to the slaughter. King: Now, did you, in your administration, carry out capital punishment? Vlad: More than you can shake a stick at, Larry! I impaled so many people I got repetitive-stress syndrome. How many did you execute last year —98? Couldn't you even round it up to an even hundred? Half of my population looked like corn dogs before I was through. Bush: Are you suggesting I'm soft on crime? Yeah, I'm soft on crime— soft like an anvil! Presiding over executions is more rewarding for me than snorting coke out of a straw in Stevie Nicks' butt, which is a completely unfounded rumor. Never happened, not in this century. I've killed lots of people, and that's not even counting my DUIs. McCain: But what I have to ask is do you have the guts it takes to bomb a plucky little nation to kingdom come? That's where you separate the men from the boys. Bush: Jeb and I have put so many people to death we make the Menendez brothers look like spoiled little rich boys! I've personally tickled a convict to death with my tongue! Vice President Al Gore: [barging in] May I step in for a moment to say that my lying opponent Bill Bradley and I are so tough on crime that we've co-sponsored a bill that would invest $6 billion in high-tech research to create a machine to go back in time and let us kill all the bad people in the past. King: Aren't they already dead? Gore: It's the principle of the matter, Larry. King: As long as you're here, did you get any Hindu nookie in college? Gore: No, but I can spell the name of every foreign head of state who has. As you know, Larry, in our college days, Tipper and I were the inspiration for Erich Segal's Love Story, except, of course, in our story, Tipper didn't die and Frank Zappa did. I'm a big admirer of his music, by the way. Wouldn't you feel better knowing the Big Guy in the White House kicks back with a doobie and Lumpy Gravy once in a while? "I hear you've been having trouble with pigs and ponies!" Remember that line? Keyes: The mathematic cadence of these Al Gore rhythms can lull our youth into a complacent despondency in which they have abortions and earn valuable prizes selling subscriptions to The Nation. The communist influence in rock music . . . Gore: You're the one who was in the mosh pit! Keyes: Let me finish! I let you finish! You ask what business I have in a mosh pit? My people have moshed in the most demeaning of human circumstances! Moshing is a Yoruba term meaning "to mosh," so don't presume to question my pit credentials. . . . Oh, who am I kidding? I make Hootie look like James Brown! I mean, I put the tan in puritanical! McCain: Gook! I mean, look! How is it both Al Gore and I served in Vietnam, yet I look old enough to be his dad? It's because I have character! Backbone! Yet you may find I'm hepper than I look. I find it instructive, for example, to have a Robin Trower weekend every so often. I will admit to that. King: Time now for your closing statements, gentlemen. Bush: I would like to reiterate that there is no truth to the rumor that I have a fetish problem and hired a Doris Day look-alike to defecate on a glass-bottomed boat while I was underneath it in a scuba outfit. It never happened, and I wasn't there. In the past seven years, at least. McCain: George, when I'm in the White House and you're back in the governor's mansion, one night, you're gonna hear a vacuum cleaner coming and . . . Bush: Arrgh! Must win delegates! Must collect all Pokémon! Must be Supreme!
[Catchy theme music rises]: Digimon, digital monster! Digimon is champion!King: Uh, oh! Bushémon is digi-volving into the vomit-spewing Bushamuru, digital monster! Bushamuru: Gloorpf!!! Fooom! Bleaagugh!!!! McCain: I'd better assume my Power Ranger form! Power on! Keyes: John, you're so out of touch. You really must join me in the mosh pit sometime. It'll smooth you out. It's like a Jacuzzi, but with jets of white kids instead of water. And incidentally, I will bite the head off a chicken before I will allow you to besmirch the name of Ronald Reagan by affixing it to your neo-liberal policies. Announcer: Tonight's debate has been brought to you by Amalgamated Amalgamations. We don't make the product; we make the money on the product. We don't do your labor; we make the profit on your labor. Thank you, and good night.
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