By Adam Lovinus
By Lilledeshan Bose
By Gabriel San Roman
By Rachel Mattice
By Stephanie Zacharek
By Daniel Kohn
By Nate Jackson
By Mike Seeley
Are you down with the Wu-Tang? Probably not, unless your crew regularly addresses you as Method Man, Masta Killa, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, Ol' Dirty Bastard (a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus, a.k.a. Joe Bannanas, a.k.a. Dirt McGirt, a.k.a.—yawn!—Russell Tyrone Jones) or any number of other funky monikers.
But thanks to a British Web site currently making the rounds of music-editor e-mails everywhere (www.recordstore.com/cgi-bin/ wuname/wuname.pl), you, too, can have your very own WuName, just like the ones lugged around by members of Staten Island's fabulously famous hip-hop/entrepreneurial titans, the Wu-Tang Clan. (The site's webmaster did not reply to an e-mail asking how they do that by press time.)
We here at the Weekly started wondering what the WuNames of several prominent OC news and music makers would be. What we weren't prepared for, though, is how close some good citizens' WuNames came to their real-life personas—creepy!
So read on, but if you're not happy with your WuName, don't blame us—it's the WuName giver-outer that picks 'em; we just type 'em in. If you're totally, royally pissed-off, though, then we suggest taking up the matter with Wu-Tang MCs Inspectah Deck and Ghostface Killah, who'll be performing with Cappadonna at the end of the month at the Galaxy Concert Theatre. There, you can personally demand they start going by Jason Hunter and Dennis Coles—as their parents intended them to, damn it!
Sugar Ray motor mouth and live-performance stripper Mark McGrath: "Budget Nudist."
Offspring screecher Dexter Holland: "Big Wicker Ventriloquist."
Huntington Beach Mayor/doughy Wal-Mart cheerleader Dave Garofalo: "Tha Ever So Weary Assistant."Orange County Register editor Tonnie Katz: "Flippant She-Creature."
Bitter, defeated ex-Congressman Bob Dornan: "Tha Eurythmic King of Nowhere" (which, intriguingly enough, is also Wally George's WuName). When you enter "Robert Dornan" instead, it comes back as "New Fast Automatic F-REEK."
TSOL punk legend Jack Grisham: "Detective Ventriloquist."
Flamboyantly anti-gay Reverend Lou Sheldon: "Tha Lonely Donkey Kong."
Passenger-punching Reverend Robert "Boom Boom" Schuller: "Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin."
Well-paid Anaheim Angels slugger Mo Vaughn: "Sheepish Lord of Chaos."
Superdeveloper and El Toro Airport backer George Argyros: "Ol' Filthy Sweaty Bastard."
OC rodent in chief Mickey Mouse: "Curly-Haired Slacker."
Frothy anti-immigration booster Barbara Coe: "Cheeky Delinquent."
Disgraced, dead prez Richard Nixon: "Alarmingly-Named Wolfman" (punch in "Dick Nixon," though, and you get "Dubious Masturbatah-X").
Congressman Dana Rohrabacher: "Erratic Assassin."
Congressman Christopher Cox: "Ol' Mucky Terrahawk."
Both Gwen Stefani of No Doubt and Monique Powell of Save Ferris: "Lazy-Assed Destroyer."
County CEO Jan Mittermeier: "International Cow."
Anti-gay Orange Unified School District (OUSD) board member Kathy Ward: "Vangelic Surgeon."
Anti-gay OUSD board member Bill Lewis: "Bastard, BASTARD HarbourMastah."
Chapman University president and business-community mouthpiece James Doti: "Radiophonic Oddity."
Leave it to Commie Girl Rebecca Schoenkopf to snake a rare, flattering WuName: "Action-Packed Mentalist."
Trinity Broadcasting Network head Paul Crouch: "Big Gay Mule."
Homeless-friendly, homo-unfriendly pastor Wiley Drake: "Asthmatic Enemy of God."
Burger king Carl Karcher: "Slumbering Pierrot."
Disney overlord Michael Eisner: "Well-Liked Assman."Times OC editor Lennie La Guire: "Lesbian Pimp."
Indicted Santa Ana City Councilman Ted Moreno: "Inscrutable Drama Queen."Inspectah Deck, Ghostface Killah and Cappadonna perform at the Galaxy Concert Theatre, 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (714) 957-0600. Feb. 29, 8 p.m. $22.50.