We're depressed. Isn't whacking off to Ass Jammers or Ripped, Stripped and Fucked far healthier and safer than indiscriminate sex in a park or on the street or an alley? Boo to the Garden Grove police for clamping down on our freedom to pleasure ourselves in public.
Our spirits momentarily inflate when we see a life-size John Holmes doll. For a mere $186.99, you, too, can own the famed porn actor's plastic doppelgänger, complete with "soft brown curly hair," "wide open sucking mouth" and "deep tight butt."
T-Zone Sex Meter Fun Rating: 5! (Thanks to the Garden Grove Police Department.)
The Adult Book Store
8502 Garden Grove Blvd., Garden Grove
About a half-mile east on Garden Grove Boulevard is our least favorite stop on the tour. Unfriendly. Smells. We don't see anything of interest. We leave.
T-Zone Sex Meter Fun Rating: 1! (A nondescript porn store?)
Three Porn Shops in a Row
8751 Garden Grove Blvd., Garden Grove
According to those in the know, this is all the same business, but the city of Garden Grove (quickly becoming our least favorite burg in the T-Zone) would throw a shit fit if one porn store occupied so much square footage, so the owner cut the store into three. Who says city officials are smart?
One store deals with magazines, another with novelties and a third with video rentals. Each has movie arcade booths, set up like those in A-Z. Signs are all over the parking lot and inside the arcades, warning patrons that the police could show up at any time to arrest them for the socially repugnant beasts they are.
According to a most charming worker behind the counter of the first shop, about once a night, someone tries to wank. If she hears or sees the offender, she boots him out —which beats getting swept up by the cops during one of their spontaneous walk-throughs. Then the unlucky stiff gets thrown in jail. With a bunch of other men. Who may be drunk. Or horny. Or both. Now there's irony.
A walk through the three stores reveals a very clean, very orderly layout. According to those in the know, the most popular magazines these days are young-girl magazines, like Barely Legal. The most popular novelties are "butt stuff and cock rings."
T-Zone Sex Meter Fun Rating: 7! (You can't underestimate good service.)
7052 Garden Grove Blvd., Westminster
Turn around and drive some three miles the other way on Garden Grove Boulevard, past Beach, and you'll hit the last two spots on our T-Zone tour—the West Bank, as those in the know are fond of saying. Sugars is first. It's a lingerie bar. Waitresses dress in skimpy outfits and stand around gabbing. All in all, far less provocative than dinner at Hooters.
T-Zone Sex Meter Fun Rating: 5! (One waitress was playing with a Hula-Hoop. We like that.)
7000 Garden Grove Blvd., Westminster
Compared with the other clubs in the T-Zone, Scamps is certifiably classy. Big cozy chairs, video screen, pristine bathrooms, a large stage and a clientele that seems to want to behave itself. As those in the know say, this is a gentleman's club that deals in fantasy, as opposed to those clubs where nothing is left to the imagination.
It's topless with a full bar and really does seem the one establishment in the zone that possesses a certain je ne sais quoi. That's proved when a dancer named Miss Behavin' approaches us and introduces herself as the best French-born dancer in Orange County. She hails from Bordeaux. She's probably also the only French-born national in any Orange County club. But who's counting?
T-Zone Sex Meter Fun Rating: 8! (We like the French—as long as they're not in France.)
Thus ends the tour. Hope you liked it. Check this space next week as our tour of Orange County's hot adult spots continues, with our first-ever ranking of major-department-store panty aisles.