By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
The music in this video, like the voice-overs themselves, is so treacly and schmaltzy as to kill any sort of mood. It's elevator music with triumphant "discovering the new world" crescendos and mournful laments.
And let's talk about sets, baby. Not sex, but sets. The first run of vignettes features couples gently doing the deed in very frilly, soft, romantic homes. Weird homes. Homes from another planet. And the clothes are weird, too. A lot of hot pink. Come to think of it, the hair is weird, too. Are some of these G-rated X-rated vignettes from the '80s? It's possible because this slapped-together hack job of a video (pardon the vitriol, but damn, I could be caulking tiles right now! RIGHT NOW!) is an assemblage of vignettes from the For Couples Only series, which means who knows when they were made. Perhaps the kissing vignette was made around the time kissing was discovered!
The "wetter is better" (yeah, unless you're talking about water, but anyhoo . . .) segment features a couple leaning against lichen-covered boulders between two waterfalls in some sort of lagoon. Perhaps a lagoon not unlike the one you have in your own back yard! The syrupy voice-over talks at length (at length) about how water is soothing and great and blah, blah, blah. Go, water! Give it up for water! Then you see the couple drinking bottled water.
Frisky tykes that they are, they begin dousing each other with the purified water and then letting it dribble out of their mouths and such. Save some water for the fucking whales, you environmentally unconscious love duo! What, you think the world's lagoons are your bedrooms? Come on, people!
There are numerous questions I'm left with after watching this video. One of them is, "What the hell was that?" Another is, "Do we need to attach some sort of meaning to the act of sex?" Was this video so unsexy because it didn't even offer the flimsiest of porn plots? But the question that burns most brightly in my mind, one that keeps me up at night, causes me to blank out while I'm driving, makes me unable to recall my PIN number, and sometimes makes me forget where I put my pants is this one: Where was the horse?