Coming Clean

By Bob Aul Recent revelations that the networks inserted anti-drug storylines into television scripts in exchange for government cut-backs on how much precious airtime must be devoted to public-service announcements has forced us to unburden ourselves. For several months, Clockwork has been inserting pro-drug language into this space in exchange for free smack. We feel so dirty. The bad kind of dirty. We promise it won't happen again . . . no matter how bad we need it, man.

LIONIZE KING The Boston Globe—coke whores ask for it by name!—ran a story a couple of weeks ago about Martin Luther King Jr. being a candidate for martyrdom in the Roman Catholic Church. We couldn't work that into our recent item about the lack of respect for the slain civil-rights leader's national holiday, but as we were tossing the Globe printout into the recycler this week, something caught our optic receiver: leading the King push is none other than Tod Brown, the Orange County diocese's new bishop. Brown is the leader of the nomination process for America's living, breathing Catholic chess pieces, and he called King "a prophet in terms of civil rights." Given that the Baptist minister was neither Roman nor Catholic—but was named after the 16th-century German theologian whose criticism of the church led to the Protestant Reformation—it'd be mighty ecumenical of the Vatican to include King's name on its list of 20th-century martyrs, which Pope John Paul II is slated to unveil on May 7—in a star-studded live Fox special filled to the cathedral rafters with anti-drug messages.

FLYING SOLO Anti-El Toro International Airport activist Hanna Hill—whose name rhymes with "wanna pill?"—sent us a note about a hopeful for the 70th Assembly District seat being vacated by Marilyn Brewer (R-Irvine). See how many incongruities you can spot in Merritt McKeon's résumé: she's Christian, pro-choice and a Democrat. She resides in Newport Beach and is against El Toro International Airport. She backs Measure F—the Millennium Plan—because it will protect John Wayne Airport from expansion. If only there were a measure to protect McKeon from angry mobs of Newport Beach's wealthy El Toro backers. Meanwhile, we've sent her name along to Bishop Brown.

KIM-TINUED? Jay Kim, the ex-congressman out of Diamond Bar—a type of acid!—is seeking the Republican nomination for the congressional district next door to the one he lost in 1998 after his conviction for campaign-finance shenanigans. Kim—whose old district straddled Orange, Los Angeles and San Bernardino counties—now wants the seat currently held by Representative Joe Baca (D-San Bernardino). So does Elia Pirozzi, the twice-defeated GOP nominee for that office. The Inland Valley Daily Bulletin reported on Jan. 17 that Pirozzi is getting the cold shoulder from the national GOP, which dumped tons of money into his last losing campaign. So perhaps Kim has a shot—despite talk that he's simultaneously running for South Korea's parliament. Then there's that damn conviction, which was dragged back into the press in January, when David Chang, who made the illegal donations to Kim, was indicted in the probe into allegedly shady contributions to Senator Robert Torricelli (D-New Jersey).

IN THE ARMY NOW The Army—proud sponsor of the U.S. Drug War!—has been distributing to its men and women in uniform a brochure on condoms, according to the Jan. 24 U.S. News & World Report. Among the directions for use are "don't open them with your teeth" and "wetter is better." And, this being the new Army, it's all about choices, baby. Among the types of condoms highlighted in the "Rip n Roll Etiquette" section are: "Big Johnson, one size does not fit all"; "The Hugger, fits all shapes"; and "Tickler ribbed and knobby." Boy, this sure gives new meaning to that crap about doing more before 6 a.m. than the rest of us do all day, doesn't it?

 
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