Health Tips From Bible Heroes!

DR. MITCH: Of course, the value of eternal life is incalculable. For centuries . . .

MARK [rolling his eyes]: How much, Dr. Mitch?

DR. MITCH: Fair enough, Mark. I'm prepared to offer your studio audience, as well as those watching at home, the "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT DEAD YET" system—available on video, DVD or CD-ROM—for just three easy payments of $69.99.

[Crowd reacts angrily, jeering and screaming. One man yells, "There is no God!"]

MARK: Sorry, Dr. Mitch. They'd like to live forever, but they don't want to spend a lot of money.

DR. MITCH: But Mark, we're talking eternal life. I . . . Fair enough. How about I give you the system—available on video, DVD or CD-ROM—and this attractive fig peeler autographed by Moses for just three easy payments of $49.99?

[Crowd boos, begins chanting, "Crucify him! Crucify him!"]

MARK: I can't control them when they get like this, Dr. Mitch. You'll have to do better.

DR. MITCH [looking concerned]: Okay, final offer: you'll get the system, the Moses-autographed fig peeler and Noah's just-published autobiography, Hip Deep in It: Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned on the Poop Deck, for three easy payments of just . . . $39.95!

[Crowd cheers, begins chanting, "God is great!"]

MARK: Looks like you've done it again, Dr. Mitch!

DR. MITCH: Thanks, Mark, but if there's any credit due, I think it should go to our four guests here. Gentlemen, thank you!

[Crowd cheers]

MARK: Indeed, thanks, guys. Any words of wisdom as we close the show?

ADAM: Children should be seen, not heard.

MOSES: Hugs not drugs.

METHUSELAH: Ditto.

NOAH: You should enjoy a long life—a long life of death and war and cancer and mindless violence and babies washed up on rocks and neighbors whose faces never leave you at night and more wars and more death and more floods. . . . Do you know how to tread water? How about with a baby in your arms? Long life to all of you, but if I can just give you some advice, don't piss off God. Oh, and don't let God love you—he'll love you to death. Trust me. He's really quite deranged, and I say that as someone who is very close to the family.

MARK: What a beautiful sentiment! Well, I just have time to thank everyone again and ask you all to come back next week when Dr. Mitch promises to help us get whiter teeth by using the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Good night, everybody!

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