Health Tips From Bible Heroes!

MARK: Sounds blasphemous.

DR. MITCH: We prefer to think of it as Blasphabulous! Mark, the fact is that dictators, demigods, religious leaders and homophobes have been narrowly interpreting the Bible for centuries, picking and choosing those passages that fit with their particular wants and needs. That's all we've done: tailored out of this chaotic mess—have you ever tried to read this thing? It's harder to follow than Farrah Fawcett [knowing laughter from audience]—we've produced a clear, concise plan for something people have wanted for centuries. In fact, my next guest will put this all into focus. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Old Testament power broker and seminal Zionist, Moses!

[Moses emerges from behind the curtain, a tall, buff, distinguished man with impressive hair. He waves to the crowd, shakes hands with Mark and Dr. Mitch, and then hugs his three Bible compatriots]

MOSES [looking at the three]: How long has it been? You know, I think the last time we were all together was Nehemiah's bachelor party.

METHUSELAH: Hey, Mo, did the fatted calf get home all right that night?

MOSES [chuckling]: Hey, the less said about that the better—or have you forgotten, oh great "Rod of Plenty"?

[Methuselah feigns ignorance while his friends laugh]

MOSES [wiping his eyes, laughing]: Oh, good times, good times.

DR. MITCH [chuckling]: Moses, you lived after the flood and thus weren't fortunate enough to live under the firmament. But the Bible tells us you still lived to be 120 years old and that your "eye was not dimmed nor your natural force abated."

MOSES: Basically, I had my mojo working.

METHUSELAH: Knock wood.

[Crowd and panel break up into gales of laughter. Noah and Adam fall unto the floor. Methuselah puts his hand over his mouth and then mimes See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil]

MOSES [gaining composure, wiping his eye]: Ohhhhhhhh, mercy. But seriously, Dr. Mitch, I lived a long, happy and very useful life right up until the moment God taunted me with a brief view of the Promised Land before exiling me to some forsaken place called Moab, where even my relatives couldn't find my grave.

DR. MITCH: What was your secret?

MOSES: One, drink a lot of water. Two, walking is terrific exercise. Three, eat right—stay away from any animal that eats garbage, whether that be pigs or lobsters. Four, get your rest—at least once a week, just do nothing. And five, don't be swallowed up by the Red Sea, or, just as important, don't take a spear to the back of the head. Actually, I wrote a lot of this down and put it in a book called "Leviticus." You may know it as the Mosaic law.

MARK: Well, looks like Moses here has put you out of business, Dr. Mitch. Here, I'll just open this Bible to Leviticus and . . . hey, wait a minute. This Mosaic law is long and complex. It would probably take me an hour or two just to get through it. And it contains stuff about not eating . . . heron? Swans? What gives?

MOSES: I always meant to edit the thing down. Really, what you're holding in your hand is just a very rough first draft. Aaron kept telling me, "Moses, just throw everything in there, and we'll go back later and tighten it up." But then something was always coming up: stuff flowing out of rocks, people getting swallowed up by the Earth. It really inhibits the writing process. One day, I just got on to another project and forgot about it. That's why I'm so excited about the BibCom program. It boils my laws down to their essentials.

DR. MITCH: We call it "Living la Vida Leviticus!"

MOSES [under his breath]: Yeah, I was meaning to talk to the producers about that.


Image of a MAN standing behind a chainlink fence covered in razor-sharp barbwire. The MAN is wearing prison togs and the Firm-a-Mitt and is surrounded by beautiful, bikini-clad women.

MAN: I had always liked reading the Bible, but as far as really being useful in my life, I couldn't see it providing me with anything except fodder for the ritualistic "changings" that eventually landed me here. Then someone told me about the "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT DEAD YET" system, and it really opened my eyes to the Bible's possibilities and many useful benefits.

[Image of MAN attempting to strangle fellow inmate with Firm-a-Mitt]

MAN: You know, in my line of work, we talk a lot about life expectancy. Life, life, life—it seems that's all I ever hear. Well, with the BibCom system, I know that I'll lead not only a long life but also one full of inflicting misery and torment upon the unclean masses whose flesh I will defile and poach. Also, I'm looking forward to reading the collected letters of Evelyn Waugh.


Inside BibCom Studios.

MARK: Well, Dr. Mitch, I think you've convinced all of us. You've showed us that your system can help us live forever. But now comes the really big question: How much is it going to cost us?

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