Health Tips From Bible Heroes!

NOAH: My wife and I wanted to travel first.

DR. MITCH: We studied the Bible to see what kind of world these people lived in, what they ate, what they did. What we found was a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables and grains, high in fiber, vitamins and minerals. You'll find this and other exciting facts and recipes in the program's "Enoch's Country Kitchen." There's also a fun look at healthy entertaining featuring two of Noah's sons that we call "You Say Ham, I Say Shem, Oh, Let's Call the Whole Thing Delicious!"

Applause as Adam and Methuselah pat Noah on the back.

DR. MITCH [continues]: We also found that these people performed daily, backbreaking physical labor, the kind not even today's fanciest personal trainers can provide. They worked outdoors and walked great distances. Combining this with cutting-edge cardiovascular technology, we've developed an exciting new exercise regimen called Heb-a-Robics and have included with the program our patented "tension bars" as well as an ergonomically balanced hoe and 50 pounds of corn seed.

MARK: Sounds sweaty.

DR. MITCH: It is, Mark. But I think what most excites me is that we've discovered that these men lived in a world in which water was not only "under the firmament," but, as the Bible tells us, "above the firmament." Biblical scholars and TV weathermen we interviewed believe such conditions would shield human beings from many harmful aging agents, including the harsh rays of the sun, creating, in effect, an aging buffer. Proof of this is that at the time of the Great Flood, this water was released and dropped on the Earth. It's no coincidence that after the flood, we see a dramatic drop in life expectancy in the Bible, a drop of some 700 to 800 years. Isn't that right, Noah?

NOAH: Life expectancy. Yeah, I saw a drop. Heard it, too. Every day and every night, scratching at the side of my boat, screaming, "For the love of God, Noah! Please, at least my children!" And then the scratching stops. The screaming stops. "For the love of God. . . ." That's a good one, huh?

ADAM: Steady there, Rain Man.

NOAH [looks away]: . . . Whatever.

[Awkward silence]

DR. MITCH [chuckling]: If I can break in here, Mark, what the Bible is saying is that if you take care of the Earth, the Earth will take care of you.

ADAM: Better the Earth than your son. Oy, he'll give you such a knock on the head.

[Relieved laughter]

MARK: But I'm skeptical. Hasn't the Earth's firmament—I believe it's called the "ozone layer"—been irreparably damaged? Haven't we already, pardon my language, screwed the pooch?

NOAH: I've heard worse, young man. Believe me, I've seen worse.

DR. MITCH: Good question, Mark. Indeed, the conditions these men lived under no longer exist. So our "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT DEAD YET" team set about to create those conditions for our clients. What we came up with is BibCom's patented "Firm-a-Mitt." You simply wear it every day as you would a hat and it re-creates the atmospheric conditions that ensure long life.

MARK: So what's this Firm-a-Mitt made of?

DR. MITCH [chuckling]: If I told you that, Mark, I'd have to kill you.

NOAH: And God doesn't like the competition.

[Nervous ooohs and aaahs]

NOAH [continues]: It's all right. I'm very close with the family.

[Relieved applause]


Shots of MAN in his 30s, playing volleyball, driving his sports car, standing aboard the deck of a yacht surrounded by beautiful, bikini-clad women. He is wearing the Firm-a-Mitt on his head.

MAN [shouting above the roar of the wind]: When I first heard about BibCom's "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT DEAD YET" system, I must admit I was skeptical. But then a friend of mine said, "You've been talking about living forever for years—well, here's your chance to do something about it." So I tried it. Well, needless to say, the results have been amazing.

[Image of MAN being handed some sort of award by a professorial-looking gentleman in a cashmere sweater surrounded by beautiful, bikini-clad women]

MAN [continues]: Yeah, there have been times when people have not understood, that their ignorance has made for some, shall I say, stupid comments. You know, like, "Hey, man, I think your head blew up." And, "Dude, what is that on your head?" And, "What the hell is that thing on your head?" But I take it in stride. I say, "Keep laughing, man. I'll remember that when I'm doing it with your great-great-granddaughter future-style!


BibCom studios.

MARK: Well, Dr. Mitch, living forever sounds great, but I'm confused. Why do I need to purchase BibCom's "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT DEAD YET system? Couldn't I just pick up any Bible and read the secrets for myself?

DR. MITCH [chuckling]: Oh, Mark, if you could only hear how stupid you sound. Remember, I told you the Bible is an ancient document. That means it's been around for years, and yet in all that time, no one has come up with the technology we're going to make available to your audience today. That's because people who study the Bible invariably get weighted down in questions of interpretation, morality and ethics. The beauty of the BibCom system is that we don't care. Lie, steal, cheat, kill—that's up to you. We're not into judgment. We're into eternal life . . . and some exciting real-estate developments around Miami-Dade, but that's not really the point. We give you the power to live your life as long as you want. And knowing you're going to live forever means not having to listen to anyone, including God, on how to live it.

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