Getting More Retail than Sinatra

Garden Grove's Riverwalk will not be built after all because developers failed to line up tenants and money for the $400 million retail/ entertainment monstrosity, city officials revealed on Jan. 3. The project had induced so much salivating on the part of those same city officials that they were fixing to boot out residents—nonvoting, low-income, immigrant residents, naturally—and mom-and-pop merchants to make way for 53 acres of magic. But while Los Angeles developer Leo A. Daly could talk the Rivertalk, he apparently couldn't walk the Riverwalk, failing to come up with $60 million to buy out the occupied territory. The Orange County Register quoted a retail expert with better clothes, brighter teeth and fresher breath than Clockwork's saying the failure shows OC is "over-retailed." And if you've ever been over-retailed, you know how painful that can be.

TWIN PEAKS Meat market Twin Palms closes its Newport Center doors at the end of the month, but word was sent our way on Jan. 7 that the restaurant/club will remain open in Pasadena and Valencia. Here's hoping they'll maintain that delicate balance of silicone, peroxide, exorbitant tabs, forgettable music and Hair Club for Men rejects running up their company credit cards.

MERRILL HAD A LITTLE LAM Did you catch the Wahoo's Fish Taco commercial during the NFL wild-card games on Jan. 8? Owner Wing Lam and family's only-in-America struggle to open and expand their delicious empire was documented in one of those quick-cut, unsteady-camera, moody-music pieces. But the nationally televised spot wasn't for the Orange County-based Mexican-food chain. It was brought to you by Merrill Lynch, the Wall Street giant that also brought us the Orange County-based bankruptcy. Funny how life works, eh? Damn, now we need a No. 2 combo with blackened fish. STAT!

THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR JELL-O Ex-Dead Kennedys front man Jello Biafra will square off against consumer advocate Ralph Nader in the New York primary for the Green Party presidential nomination, reported MTV News (which we'd smart-assedly refer to as "that bastion of journalism MTV News" were it not for the fact that this is the second time we've piggybacked on an MTV News story lately). Biafra advocates a "maximum wage" where a company's highest-paid employee would only be able to make a prescribed multiple of what the lowest-paid employee takes home. Clockwork would trade a paycheck to see Biafra debate Al Gore and George Dubya Bush. Hell, we'd pay it to see him debate Al Keyes and Lyndon Dubya LaRouche.

ANOTHER CANDIDATE WE LOVE A couple of weeks ago, we both ridiculed and expressed our affection for Eddie Rose, the former Laguna Niguel city councilman seeking the Reform Party nomination for the South County congressional seat being vacated by Ron Packard. Why do we love the lug? Because after we run shit like that, he still sends us "The Top 10 Prospective Jobs for Mark Goodman After Leaving the Laguna Niguel City Council." Among them: "mascot for next year's Turkey Trot"; "fire hydrant for Laguna Niguel dog park"; "campaign manager for Saddam Hussein"; "test dummy for Ford Motor Co."; and—the No. 1 prospective job for soon-to-be ex-Laguna Niguel City Councilman Mark Goodman—"spokesman for O.J. Simpson's new express limo service, whose slogan is 'We'll get you to the airport with an hour to kill!'" God bless you, Eddie Rose.

ANOTHER LIST WE LOVE Among www.topfive.com's Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana are: "Got Buzz?"; "Pot: When You Care Enough to Not Care at All"; "A Day Without Pot Is Like School"; "When Was the Last Time You Really Looked at Your Hand?"; and—Topfive.com's No. 1 slogan for legalized marijuana—"Skull-Shaped Bong: $12. Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25. Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless."

KONA GOLD STANDARD Despite the Garden Grove-based Campaign for Agricultural and Industrial Renewal's efforts to make California the first state where industrial hemp is legally grown, Hawaii recently achieved that status when Governor Benjamin J. Cayetano hosted a seed-planting ceremony north of Honolulu. Now, whatever makes them think hemp can flourish in Hawaii?

 
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