By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Miami update: When they're not stealing Cuban children, Miami residents enjoy nothing more than rooting for Miami University, a terrific liberal-arts school. Of course, thatMiami University is located in Ohio, whereas the local Miami University is located in Coral Gables, Florida, and is best-known for its underage drinking and master's programs in "trafficking" and "shaking your moneymaker." Among the university's best-known alumni are Satan and the guy who invented gonorrhea.
Seattle update: What a special couple of weeks it has been for Seattle—or, as it's better-known around the country, "The Whiniest City Ever." The city's all-time favorite sports star, Ken Griffey Jr., demands to be traded and says he would prefer to be playing in Cincinnati, whose city motto is "Where the Living Envy the Dead." Well, I'm just assuming. Then the whole World Trade Organization thing happens, which eventually costs the police chief his job, and then the mayor cancels the city's millennium celebration because some Algerian guy shows up at the airport with a few bottles of talcum powder and a liter of club soda. It turns out city officials weren't concerned that he'd try to blow up anything but that they suspected he had a California driver's license.
Home-field advantage: South Florida is proud of its history, which includes Ernest Hemingway, who, unfortunately, blew his head off, and Sylvester Stallone, who, unfortunately, has not. Many famous people still live in Miami, some of whom are not wanted by the FBI.
Firepower: As mentioned, the mayor of Seattle canceled the city's millennium celebration because of one guy with too much carry-on luggage. I don't know this guy's name, but I believe his first name is Betty. I . . . Oh, what am I saying? At least Seattle had a millennium celebration to cancel. Am I the only one who thought it was completely embarrassing that Southern California's only significant millennium celebrations were at Disneyland and in Palm Springs? Every other city—whether it was Prague or New York or frigging Salt Lake City, where it was BYOCS (Bring Your Own Cough Syrup)—had some kind of special event planned with a sizable number of people. We had fireworks at Disneyland (there's a stretch) and drunk, horny kids in Palm Springs (there's a stretch) with everyone else bunkered up at home bitching about traffic. We suck. Happy New Year.
Consensus: Seattle may be hateful and spiteful and run by a bunch of paranoid wimps and the weather may suck and it may be the suicide capital of the country and . . . where was I going with this? Oh, yeah: at least it's not home to a bunch of serial-killing, kidnapping drug dealers. And even if it were, at least Stallone doesn't live there. Go Seahawks!