By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulIn banning the Gay/Straight Alliance Club at El Modena High School, the Orange Unified School District board unwittingly approved a Christian club and a club for jugglers—two groups that, upon reflection, are much more dangerous to the community.
The Christians' historical report card is replete with poor-citizenship marks. Since its recognition as the official religion of the Roman Empire, Christians have consistently behaved in a demonic fashion, whether by murdering those who thought differently or by systematically destroying indigenous cultures in the name of God. Beyond Christianity's homicidal impulses, it has, at the very least, served to lay the ultimate guilt trip on those it infects, causing them to doubt their very nature so that they move through life stoop-shouldered and haltingly. Its egotistical, aggressive nature makes the Christian virus a Biohazard Level Four—more threatening to human life than the dreaded Ebola. And yet the Orange school board naively allows it to thrive within a cell of its high school.
The depredations of jugglers are equally well-documented. Behind the façade of a cheery, bell-toed fellow with exceptional hand-eye coordination are the frowning faces of despairing parents. Who, after all, wishes such a career on his or her child? It is a profession short on dignity, long on hours and perilous. Eye glitches, arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome, or simply a dose of shaken confidence can prove terminal to the juggler's profession. And, like fashion, the public's interest in multiple-ball-tossing oddities waxes and wanes. Sadly, jugglers reside in a sort of entertainment netherworld between firmly grounded clowns and respected comics. No doubt there are many parents in El Modena who, given the choice, would prefer their children be confirmed gays rather than closet jugglers.
Clearly, then, the Orange school board has no time to waste: let the gays and straights gather, quarantine the Christians, and provide crisis counseling for the jugglers.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.