Dear Commie Girl

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Dear Commie Girl,

The people in the office (I'll call them "colleagues") call me "The Hammer," and it really makes me mad! Just because my last name ends in a vowel, they think they can give me a mob-sounding nickname and it won't hurt my feelings. I don't want to be thin-skinned, but how can I stop them from being so mean?

Um, Not the Hammer Buck up, squirt! They could be calling you much, much worse, like The Mighty Retardo, or Malodorous Boy, or Gloria Matta Tuchman. But seriously! If it really, really bothers you that much—and it sounds like it does, and it also sounds like you are a blubbering little girl—might we suggest moving south to San Felipe, Baja California, Mexico(with thex pronouncedh)? There, they would call you "El Martillo," which sounds really cool and manly and sort of gay, too.

Dear Commie Girl,

My wife and I have an 11-month-old daughter and a desperate need to get out of the house and party. . . . Please help!

Sleepless in Santa Ana Buck up, squirt! You can go out and party all you want: it's your wife's job to sit home on her fat ass and wait for you. And wait. And wait. You, on the other hand, should immediately begin frequenting strip clubs. Luckily, OC's got lots of them—unlike, say, Shawnee, Oklahoma (population: 26,000), which just has churches. Unless your wife is a hooker (read: lesbian, buddy!), she will not be having any fun for the next two years, and we suggest she get used to it—andown it—now. Oh, how fondly we remember the days of our boy's infancy: falling asleep on theWeekly couches several times a day, only to be manhandled back to consciousness by one of the editors. She had a grip! Also, our boy gave us an ear infection. Don't get one of those. They're bad. And hey! Don't listen to your wife's constant shrill nagging (why do chicks become suchnags? Who do they think they are? Hillary Rodham Clinton? Ha! Ha!) about you hanging out with the boys. If she hadn't gone and gotten herself knocked-up, none of this would have happened, right?

Dear Commie Girl,

I am a female, and I am in a band, and the sexual revolution is such that a lot of guys are afraid that if they offer to help you with your gear and stuff they'll be perceived as sexist, but it really is breaking your back but you're afraid if you ask for help, you'll be perceived as a weak girl. Should I just have sex with them and get it over with?

I Am a Girl, But I Rock, Too! Buck up, squirt! People fresh out of rehab are good at carrying amps because they're happy to be useful, and they get in for free. To find people fresh out of rehab, might we suggest heading to Harold's Club on Harrison just outside of Shawnee, Oklahoma, two miles down past the factories on the right?

Dear Commie Girl,

I need your help. I am 25, female, not unattractive, but I've never really had much luck with the fellows. On New Year's Eve, I got really drunk and ended up making out with my best friend. She's really freaked, but I don't even remember it! Should I try to be a lesbian?

Bob Buck up, Bob, and answer this question: Are you ready to break your mother's heart? Are you?Well, are you? Cool! Then by all means become a lesbian. What has your mother done for you lately, anyway? Speaking of mothers, there are lots of them in San Felipe. Some of them are probably lesbians. Might we suggest moving to San Felipe and living on the beach? Pete's Place will let you camp for $8 per night—right on the sand of the Sea of Cortez! Just don't go to the El Dorado Ranch (except, like, for breakfast and to swim in the pool). It is full of mean old Americans. Glacial. Unfriendly. Boring as hell. Mean. Old. Still, if you are, as you say, not unattractive, the very nice waiters will buy you pia coladas. If you decide you don't want to be a lesbian, they would probably give you some love, sweet love, and call you "querida." Maybe not.

Dear Commie Girl,

I recently met this guy at a gay circuit party in Miami and completely fell for him. He's the best kisser I've ever met. Loves to cuddle. Incredible dancer. And we feel so comfortable together. There could be trouble, however. Here's three issues: 1.) Distance. I live in Laguna Beach; he in West Hollywood. 2.) Age. I'm 31, and he's 22. 3.) Size. Although I haven't measured it with a ruler (although I wouldn't mind!), he has got to be 10 or 11 inches. Ouch. Which do you think is our biggest obstacle?

Trouble in Paradise?
Buck up, big gay friend. And get used to the fact that your marvelous little dancer is 22 years old and will never love you, and if he does, he will still be an idiot, even if he doesn't mean to be. He'll probably cheat on you with a
girl. That's how 22-year-olds are. Also, young people use the word "boning," which is just gross. Is that what you want to hang out with? By the way, did you know there are lots of gay people in Norman, Oklahoma (just 40 minutes from Shawnee, which is in Potawotamie County and is very pretty, and our mom was Miss Shawnee, 1961)? There's a really cute gay bartender at The Library, which is not a library at all, but rather a cleverly named bar and grill.
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