DIVE!

When your self-guided tour ends with a hearty dasvadanya from Smirnoff, you realize just how lucky you are that you were never a sailor on a Russian submarine like the Scorpion. On the other hand, Russian sailors didn't have to endure the museum gift shop. I counted exactly 13 mementos available at the store: "Russian Scorpion" shot glasses of various sizes, coffee mugs, beer steins, sweatshirts, baseball caps, golf hats, sailor caps, "Made in Russia" fur hats, denim shirts, tie clips, belt buckles, sugar spoons and tote bags.

Each product boasts the ominous hammer-and-sickle insignia of the former Red fleet below the words "Russian Scorpion." Then, lest anyone forget the fact that Russia and America are now supposed to be the best of friends, "Queen Mary Long Beach." It's still a cold, cold war.