Not-So-Secret Service

Dear President Mathur:

I note that the South Orange County Community College District board of trustees recently awarded you a $200 monthly "security stipend." I am sure that, like me, all Irvine Valley College (IVC) faculty, students and staff will sleep better knowing efforts have been made to address the menace to your personal safety caused by threatening phone calls and e-mail (undocumented); political attacks on you in [the faculty-run] Dissent, the Los Angeles Times, The Orange County Register, OC Metro, OC Weekly, and [the student-run] Voice newspapers (constitutionally protected); and letters mailed to you via the U.S. Post Office (also, oddly, unavailable).

I am writing to offer my services as a security consultant. As your security stipend is equivalent to a full two weeks' pay for my own work as a part-time instructor, you'll understand that I'm eager to start work immediately.

As your presidential security consultant, I am prepared to:

Escort you to and from your car and the administration building every morning and evening.

Maintain secret files on high-profile personnel (we'll call it an Enemies List), including—but not limited to—academic-senate president Peter Morrison, philosophy instructor Roy Bauer and anthropology instructor Wendy Phillips.

Put English instructor Kate Clark under immediate 24-hour surveillance.

Taste your meals to check for poison.

Maintain a physical-security cordon in front of your office window.

Enforce the IVC clap.

Proofread your memos and letters for punctuation and spelling errors, clichés, factual errors, and ad hominem attacks.

I hope you'll contact me immediately for an interview, or at least file this letter.