By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Matt Coker
By Nick Schou
By Bethania Palma Markus
San Francisco: Well, well, well, well, well. Did our 'ittle 49ers fall down go boom? Huh? DID THEY!? Say they did! Say the 'ittle frigging 49ers fall down and go frigging boom! Now the one thing you had to brag about sportswise royally sucks. God knows you can't scream about the Giants, who have never, NEVAH! won a World Series while in San Francisco. (Ever get tired of listening to replays of that Bobby Thomson homer that not only took place in NEW YORK for the NEW YORK Giants but also took place when Truman was president?) Your NBA team—such as it is—recently welcomed back Latrell Sprewell, who predicted his New York Knicks team would spank your team and then went about doing just that, following it up with verbal abuse and lewd gestures or just what Southern Californians have come to expect from the likes of posing, cloying, J. Crew-clad, love-me, validate-me, say-I'm-pretty Friscoans.
Carolina update: Exactly which Carolina are we speaking of? Jesse Helms' North Carolina or Prince of Darkness drinking buddy Strom Thurmond's South Carolina? Big Tobacco's North Carolina or Seat of Secession's South Carolina? If we go by seniority, then we must be talking about South Carolina, which was initially settled about 11,000 years ago. Back then, inhabitants survived due to sophisticated hunting and gathering skills as well as the shrewd leadership of Thurmond. In about 1100 AD, the Mississippian peoples settled in the area and built a culture of superstition and small earthen mound dwellings, what locals now refer to as the state's "Renaissance."
End around: Tom Ammiano, a real, honest-to-God liberal who's also a standup comedian, recently forced a runoff election with incumbent Willie Brown for mayor—despite the fact that Ammiano entered the race only three weeks before the election and spent just $20,000. Conservatives were so afraid of Ammiano that the Republican Party endorsed Brown, who won. The last time they did something like that, David Duke was running for governor. Duke and Ammiano couldn't be more different, of course, with the exception that both favor the nationalization of Liza Minelli.
Running game: South Carolina's initial settlers eventually became various native American tribes such as the Catawba and Cherokee which numbered as many as 20,000 in 1600. However, by the late 1700s, most of the Indian population had been killed, chased out or forced to leave South Carolina and have since always been known as "The Lucky Ones."
Consensus: You have two honest-to-God liberals—by today's sorry standards—running for mayor. Okay, you're better than us. All right? I said it. Your city is prettier, your people are smarter, and you elect write-in gay comedians for mayor. We haven't done anything like that since Bob Dornan. Okay, we suck. But at least we're not South Carolina, which is the worst place on earth. Anyway, my kid digs Steve Young and Jerry Rice. Go 49ers!
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