Extreme Holiday Gift Guide

The Wish List They Don't Want You to See!

Photo: Mike McGill
Model: Aaron Baker
Location: LA Boxing, Huntington BeachTHEY say the holidays have gone too far. That RAMPANT MATERIALISM and SELFISH regard for one's own needs have replaced what the season is really about: COMPASSION and understanding. THEY say those holidays are gone forever. AND THEY'RE RIGHT! If GOD had intended the holidays to be a time of peace, why did He invent ADRENALINE? Hey, Pops, we're entering a new age, shouldn't the holidays? We've put together a catalog of some of the most outrageous, extreme-est, IN-YOUR-FACE-IEST gift ideas for the holidays. But they're no holiday! (WARNING: THE CONTENTS OF THIS HOLIDAY CATALOG MAY CAUSE FEVER AND SHORTNESS OF BREATH. THOSE WITH WEAK HEARTS OR BACKS AND AN AFFINITY FOR FOLLOWING THE CROWD ARE ADVISED TO TURN TO THE "NUTCRACKER" LISTINGS AT ONCE.) This ain't no wish list, BLITZEN. This is a "GET ME THAT OR I'M DRIVING THE CAR OFF THE CLIFF AND YOU KNOW I'LL DO IT" list. This is the holiday gift catalog THEY don't want you to see. The holiday gift catalog that doesn't believe in taking the easy road or putting stock in prevailing wisdom. The holiday gift catalog that says common sense will lead you to a common life. The holiday gift catalog that says, "DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT YOUR HOLIDAYS SHOULD BE." Except us, of course.
Whip it Good! You've never been like the other girls. Never content to watch from the shore or stir your favorite flavored coffee drinks with a spoon. Spoons were okay for Mom and Eleanor Roosevelt. But you? You only use Caffe Froth Turbo by Bonjour, where just one slam of the button produces outrageously rich and creamy froth ideal for cappuccinos, lattes and dessert toppings. It spins! It churns! It has a handy mounting ring that attaches to your coffeemaker! Long live the madness! You won't accept the status quo in your life or on the waves--why accept it in your dessert topping? After you get through with the Caffe Froth Turbo by Bonjour, your flavored coffees will plead, "Suck me!" And you will! Caffe Froth Turbo by Bonjour. Batteries not included. $20. HomeChef, Fashion Island, (949) 718-0114. TOES ON THE NOSE TEAM RIDER AND NATIONAL AMATEUR LONGBOARD CHAMPION KIRSTEN RAYMOND RIDES A TAKAYAMA LONGBOARD AND IS DECKED OUT IN TOES ON THE NOSE GEAR. TOES ON THE NOSE CAN BE FOUND AT LOCAL SURF SHOPS AND ON THE INTERNET AT WWW.TOESONTHENOSE.COM.
Unleash the Power! You're down with the Net, but you're no nerd, so why surf the Net like one--clutching a mouse with your right hand and what's left of the 20th century with the other? Make your own waves with Linux Unleashed, Fourth Edition, and you'll be turbo-thrust into the millennium the only way you know how to go: fast, faster, fastest! With Linux Unleashed, Fourth Edition, you'll shred the power of the X Window System and the KDE and GNOME libraries. Outrageous? Would you have it any other way as you rip it with Unix-like input and output routines, building and customizing GUI environments, and incorporating Internet functionality into your programs using TCP/IP, UDP and IP multicast? Didn't think so. Linux Unleashed, Fourth Edition will get you where you want to go when you want to get there. Linux Unleashed, Fourth Edition will take you places Linux Unleashed editions one, two and three would never dare. A world with two new compilers--egcs and pgcs--that join the GNU project's gcc, the original Linux compiler. Live long and prosper, my ass! Live for today by unleashing the power of Linux Unleashed, Fourth Edition! Available at most major bookstores; suggested retail price, $49.99. THE IGNITER 2000, RIDDEN BY ITS INVENTOR, BOB MONTGOMERY, IS MANUFACTURED BY POWERSKI JETBOARDS OF BREA AND IS A RECENT WINNER OF A POPULAR MECHANICS AWARD FOR DESIGN AND ENGINEERING. FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT THEM AT WWW.POWERSKI.COM OR (714) 870-4530. PHOTO OF RIDER CAREY HART COURTESY OF KIRK BENDER PHOTOS, LAKE FOREST
Eat This! Chew. Swallow. Repeat. Chew. Swallow. Repeat. Chew. . . . Tired of just eating? Ready for something that'll not only fill your stomach but also knock your head over your heels? Sounds like you're ready for Harry and David's high-flying new Royal Fruit Basket. This ain't no pâté-tasting, tie-wearing, Mozart-listening Royal Fruit Basket. Best approach this puppy with caution because when you bite this fruit, IT JUST MIGHT BITE BACK! No, these aren't your momma's Royal Beurre Bosc Pears. These Royal Beurre Bosc Pears don't play. Neither do the Crisp Mountain Apples, the Mellow Cheddar Cheese or the Fruit Preserves. They make their own rules . . . and then they break 'em! So do the plaid ribbon, real pine cones and spray of fresh, fragrant greenery. Chocolate? Sure. Nuts? Absolutely. But be warned: these aren't your daddy's nuts. 'Nuff said. Harry and David's Royal Fruit Basket, $42.95, is available by calling (800) 547-3033.
WATCH THIS! There comes a time when you realize the race doesn't go to the swift because life isn't a race. That's when you know it's time to stop running and reacquaint yourself with a long-lost friend. You. When is that time? You'll know with one glance at your Masterpiece Rolex watch. Nothing fancy. Nothing fast. Nothing interested in impressing or being impressed. Just a clean, basic design hewn from nature's simple bounty: 18-karat gold sprinkled with diamond bezels gently plucked from the bosom of the Earth. Combine that with hearty ruby and emerald baguettes at each quarter hour and gems at each five-minute increment, and you're reminded of where you're going --while the mother-of-pearl face reminds you of where you've been. Simple. Rugged. Right. Masterpiece Rolex watches from $23,950 to $25,750. Available at Tourneau in South Coast Plaza, (714) 850-0222. PHOTO OF DON ZABO COURTESY OF KIRK BENDER PHOTOS, LAKE FOREST
Got Air? Getting big air is rad. Getting big things in your air is baaad. Bacteria, microorganisms and spores can make breathing bad . . . and that ain't good. Of course, that's how he wants it. You know, the Man. Fight the power with the Hunter Carefree Humidifier, the air purifier the fat cats don't want you to know about. Patented Bacteria Blocker Polymers and adjustable humidistat separate you from the mass of people leading lives of quiet desperation and just-audible wheezing. Tell the special interests that you're in it for the long haul with the PermaWick filter that never needs replacing. Viva la revolucion! Viva la patented three-stage antibacterial SafeSystem! Viva la 5-year warranty on the motor! Death to all tyrants and dust mites! Spores suck! You shouldn't have to! Breathing is not a crime! Get the Hunter Carefree Humidifier. Get radical! Hunter Carefree Humidifier from $89 (2 gallon) to $115 (3.5 gallon) is available through the Frontgate catalog at www.frontgate.com or (800) 626-6488.
PHOTO OF BARSPINNER COURTESY OF KIRK BENDER PHOTOS, LAKE FOREST Wake Up! They're hot! They're hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Haaaawwwwt! They're so hot they're cool. The coolest. The coolest anything can possibly be while remaining intensely hot. And sexy. Sexy. Hot. Cool. And hot! What else would you expect from Scotland? These British Wellies--as in "Wellie, these certainly are HOT!"--will rub you every which right way with their seamless latex shell and fabric lining, which will keep your feet warm and dry while keeping that thang you do hot! Boots? Not with these thermal dynamics. Not with cleated bottoms to make the ground hurt so good. Not with ankle and arch supports to support your ankles and arches. These are Boothots! Boothots with top-grade rubber outers that won't crack in the cold. What's that, Dr. Fahrenheit? Too hot for you? If you can't take the heat, stay out of these Wellies! But if it's heat you seek, get down with your own pair of British Wellies. You'll be hot you did. British Wellies, $62, available at Smith & Hawken, South Coast Plaza, (714) 437-9526. PHOTO COURTESY OF MOOSE WAKEBOARDS, THE LITTLE BLACK CARBON FIBER BOARD WITH THE ULTRACOMFORTABLE BINDINGS THAT COULD. FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL (714) 841-5585. ASK FOR MOOSE. THAT'S REALLY HIS NAME. WELL, HIS REAL NAME IS JUST PLAIN STUPID. SO CALL HIM MOOSE, AND WE CAN ALL GET ON WITH OUR LIVES.
Go Totally Nuts! Born to run, that's you. But even a rebel-rebel goes nuts once in a while. So let the good times roll with this Mother Nutcracker from Lillian Vernon. Too tame, you say? Hey, word to your mother: this ain't her mother's Mother Nutcracker from Lillian Vernon. This mutha goes to 11! This mutha is for rockers who march to the beat of their own drum solos. Her sculpted resin face and hands, wire specs, yellow dress and lace collar scream, "I'll rock your nuts all night long!" The kids are all right? They are now that they have cracked nuts. Cracked nuts that rock! Don't get fooled again: ask for the Mother Nutcracker from Lillian Vernon, $29.98. (800) 545-5426. PHOTO OF TONY HAWK BY MYLES ROBINSON

 
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