By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Buffalo update: Citizens of this godforsaken western New York burg are a loyal bunch—loyal not only to their Bills but also to their city, which has experienced a steady decline in population ever since the salad days of the Erie Canal. Buffalo has failed to keep pace with a number of modern innovations, most notably moving somewhere where it isn't fatal to go outside after September and before May. Still, those who remain are proud of a heritage that includes Niagara Falls souvenirs and being home to such luminaries as Grover Cleveland and Millard Fillmore —both of whom, the Encyclopedia Britannica claims, were president of the United States—and pop singer Ani DiFranco.
New York update: The biggest collection of backslappers this side of Mecca, New Yorkers were no doubt giddy this week as PBS showed Ric Burns' documentary about the city, which reminded everyone, every 20 seconds, that New York IS THE GREATEST FRIGGIN' CITY IN THE WORLD, EVAH! EVAH!! New Yorkers need to be reminded of this, since they are often distracted by grisly subway murders, racial hatred, general cheesiness and the omnipresent odor of pee. And, of course, New Yorkers have a right to be proud: starting as a slave trading post, the city was built by the likes of monoped megalomaniac Peter Stuyvesant and froufrou megalomaniac Alexander Hamilton into the marvelous metropolis that offers round-the-clock productions of Cats and taxis that don't pick up black people.
In-depth analysis: If you'd like to find out more about these two men—again, their names are Mill-ard Fill-more and Grov-er Cleve-land (you know, like the godforsaken Ohio city)—check out their biographies. Robert Raybach's biography of Fillmore and John F. Marszalek's bio of Cleveland are available through Amazon. com, though, as one might expect, they are not as popular in sales rank—Fillmore is 184,710th and Cleveland is 434,917th—as books on such sexy presidential figures as Rutherford B. "Bootsy" Hayes (156,354th) and Chester A. "Ol' Piss and Vinegar" Arthur (125,551st).
Home game: In reality, the Jets' home field is Giants Stadium, located in East Rutherford, New Jersey. New Jersey also has a proud history. Once known as Hessian Town and then What Is That Smell? New Jersey has been home to many great authors and musicians, all of whom made their names by writing and composing on the theme of what a nightmare it is to grow up in New Jersey.
Consensus: We didn't mean to give the impression that New Jersey is somehow wanting in comparison with New York. Why, there are many things you can do in New Jersey that you can't do in New York. Alexander Hamilton himself journeyed to New Jersey on July 11, 1804, to participate in one such activity. On that day, he was shot and mortally wounded by Aaron Burr in a duel. To this day, New Yorkers prefer to do their shooting and dumping in New Jersey—often at Giants Stadium. Anyway, we'll root for Buffalo because New Yorkers will still think their city is THE GREATEST EVAH! no matter the outcome, while, no matter the outcome, folks in Buffalo will still live in Buffalo.