What's wrong with "Two Years Before the Mast"? It's a fascinating account of Dana's voyage, as well as a very illuminating picture of southern California in the early 19th century. Perhaps you have trouble reading books with no pictures.
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
101 The timesaving miracle that is the business-history time line in the new George L. Argyros School of Business & Economics, located in the Arnold & Mabel Beckman Business and Technology Hall at Chapman University. According to the time line, nothingat all happened in OC for about 8,000 years. In fact, the time line starts in 6,000 B.C. with "first inhabitants" and skips to "Portola visits" in 1769.
102 Remember how the Jetsons ate meals condensed into the shape and size of a pill? We're nearly there with Habana's fabulous media noche, a ham-and-pork buffet pressed into the size and shape of a mere sandwich. (P.S. What is the difference between ham and pork?) 2930 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 556-0176.
103 The card shop at Metro Carwash in Orange. The card selection is one of the best anywhere, and it's amazing how getting your car sanitized can focus the mind on this most sentimental of tasks. If you're seeking adult cards, this ain't the place. And if you join the car-wash club (buy two washes, get two free), you also get discounts on the killer cards. 387 N. Tustin Ave., Orange, (714) 532-2155.
104 Rod's Drive-Thru Liquor store, where you can get iceat 3 a.m. without having to put on underwear. 118 W. Chapman Ave., Orange, (714) 538-5951.
105 That's a very good thing.
106 Fluorescent breastsat the Tap House. 8082 Adams Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 374-0811.
107Chapman University's sea of disembodied heads-busts of Ella Fitzgerald, Thomas Jefferson, etc.-many of whom have never been to or heard of Chapman.
108 The lemon bars at the Gypsy Den Café & Reading Room. 2930 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 549-7012.
109 The ultimate in miniature golf: the Greens at Park Placein Irvine. It's a real miniature-golf course: real grass, real sand, real running stream. And playing it involves the same strategy you'd encounter on a full-size course. You have to lay up on some shots (doglegs, rocks and vegetation prevent you from putting onto the green on some holes). It's like you're Paul Bunyan tearing up Pebble Beach. 3301 Michelson, Irvine, (949) 250-7888.
110 Art quickie: Doy Henley Galleria at Chapman University. Hint: it's the north half of the second-floor hallway.
111 The lamb kebabsat the Byblos Café. They're served with as much hummus as you can digest. 129 N. Chapman, Orange, (714) 538-7180.
112 "Black Americans [should] be grateful for the fact that their ancestors were rescued from the horrors of African tribal warfare [and were] brought here by our southern states, albeit as slaves." Letter to the Register, July 18, 1994.
113 The willingness and pride of Laguna Beach High School sports teams-all while being known as "the Artists."
114Libertarians, Libertarians, Libertarians!
115 Sunsetat the bluffs at Little Corona.
116 Grand Marnier-infused, chocolate-dipped, juicy strawberriesfrom Las Brisas. 361 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-5434
117 Parkingin Laguna Beach during the summer provides a chance to bone up on one's hunting/gathering skills.
118 Don Baylor, the only Angel ever voted the American League's Most Valuable Player and who wants to and ought to be Angels manager next year.
119 Given the Angels' past hiring practices, Donald Duck probably has a better shot at the job than Baylor.
120 Getting laid in Irvine, self-declared romance capital of OC.
121 The three-cheese Feast Burger at Laguna Feast. 801 Glenneyre, Laguna Beach, (949) 494-0642.
122 Feeding the VERY fat squirrels outside the Crystal Cove Shake Shack. 7408 Pacific Coast Highway, Laguna Beach, (949) 497- 9666.
123 And the date shakes there are worth the possible spinout you'll maneuver pulling into the parking lot.
124The Killer Dana Coffee-with one cream and two sugars-at J.C. Bean Coffeehouse, which for some reason always tastes better when you get it at the drive-through. 34114 Pacific Coast Hwy., Dana Point, (949) 496-4700.
125 The archery range in Fountain Valley's Mile Square Regional Park.
126 It's open daily to the public, and it's free.
127 But archers have to bring their own equipment.
128 The knowledge that a significant portion of our neighbors harbor bows and arrows.
129 Hey! Bows and arrows don't kill people . . .
130 They just wing 'em.
131The peppermint ice cream at Hans' Homemade Ice Cream. 3640 S. Bristol St., Santa Ana, (714) 979-8815.
132 Sittingon a bench at West Jetty View Park, where you can watch the sun set or just gaze at the coves of Little Corona from under palms at the Wedge in Newport (made world-famous by its appearance in the opening credits of Gilligan's Island).
133 The earthquake room at Discovery Science Center is intended for kids, but we use it to show out-of-towners what we're ostensibly living with every day. 2500 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 542-2823.
134 Buster the Bus, Lego City, the Bee Observatory and the Dino Dig at the Children's Museum at La Habra. 301 S. Euclid St., La Habra, (562) 905-9793.
135 True story: I once dated Buster the Bus.
136 Yeah, no, it's true.
137 What happened? Oh, he's a nice guy, but he was always on the road.
138 Lion Country Safari . . . oh, yeah. It's not there anymore.
140 Costa Mesa Speedway. Not even the top-fuel dragsters in Pomona are as thrilling as seeing the gate come up and six riders zip by without brakes. The smell of gasoline and burning oil in the air is almost an aphrodisiac. And you know you're having a good time when little clumps of dirt end up at the bottom of your plastic cup of draft beer. Unfortunately, "Fox Night" no longer exists because of discrimination reasons, but you can still count on "Skirt Night" and its charming slogan: "Where the dirt hits the skirt." And there's free parking. Costa Mesa Speedway season is April through September, Saturday nights at the Costa Mesa Fairgrounds. 88 Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 708-3247.
141 Anything built before 1940 is considered a historicallandmark!
142 Looking for the Fountain, or the Valley.
143 "It's unfortunate America didn't take all of Mexico when it won the Mexican war in 1848." Letter to the Register, April 15, 1996.
144 Having the cojonesand calves to do the 20-mile Camp Pendleton Coast Ride -from the southern end of San Clemente State Beach to Oceanside using base access roads, abandoned sections of old Highway 101 and short stretches of bike path.
145 Making the 20 miles and not having the calves to get back and knowing that you can hop on the Amtrak train between Oceanside and San Clemente.
146 Orange County Zoo: located in Irvine Park, it boasts a horde of local animals, including Samson the Hot Tub Bear. 1 Irvine Park Rd., Orange, (714) 633-2022.
147 Upgrading your hard drive at Micro Center. 1100 E. Edinger Ave., Tustin, (714) 566-8500; wWw.microcenter.com.
148 Heh, heh. No. 147 said "drive."
149 Architecture at Huntington Beach High School. 1905 Main St., Huntington Beach.
150 Orange County has the top two Mercedes-Benz dealerships in America: Fletcher Jones Motorcars of Newport Beach and House of Imports in Buena Park. In fact, when Ward's Dealer Business Magazine named House of Imports the No. 1 dealer, Fletcher Jones cried foul. Ward's investigated and reportedly determined that the Buena Park dealership erroneously included used-car wholesale earnings with retail sales. The fucks. The mag's revised figures showed the House of Imports as the largest Mercedes seller, while Fletcher Jones earned the most income when sales and service were combined. Fletcher Jones Motorcars, 3300 Jamboree Rd., Newport Beach, (949) 718-3000; House of Imports, 6862 Manchester Blvd., Buena Park, (714) 637-2333.
151 The fact that I wrote that last item even though I drive a '93 Nissan in need of front-end work I can't afford.
152 Garden Grove Cruise Night. Every Friday on Garden Grove's Main Street, between Euclid and Brookhurst, you can talk Mopar and manifolds with OC car enthusiasts and then grab a beer at . . .
153 The Crooner's Lounge, OC's only bona fide Elvis bar.Located inside Azteca Restaurant, proprietor Jesse Juaregi (a.k.a. "J Elvis J") has created a shrine to his hero. Thank yew; thankyewvurymuch! 12911 Main St., Garden Grove, (714) 638-3790.
154 The Golden Bear . . . oh, yeah, it's not there anymore.
156 The benign terrorthat is the Movieland Wax Museum. 7711 Beach Blvd., Buena Park, (714) 522-1154.
157The . . . hey, did you see Jean Harlow's eye move?
158 The Cal Fed bank that's built out of an old white Victorian house. 518 N. Broadway, Santa Ana, (800) 843-2265.
159 The delicious ... there she goes again. What? Jean Harlow. No, I swear. Look-can't you see? Can't you hear her? She's telling me to do things.
161 "Hey, do you have any staunch Republican in you? You want some?"
162 Homies be frontin'.
163 CM School Supply in Fullerton, a great big friendly place to buy books, school supplies or dissection tools, and equipment to grow fungus. 210 N. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 680-6681.
164 Oh, they be frontin', a'ight.
165 They'll front you, mister; believe you me.
166 Diedrich Coffee's in-yo'-face cups. Unlike the patronizing, pandering Starbucks, who print a whole friggin' paragraph on their cups about "Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy may be hot-yadda, yadda, yadda," Diedrich prefers the refreshingly brisk swift kick in the groin that is "Of Course It's Hot!" I mean, come on, people, must we hold your hand? Locations countywide.
167 Knott's Independence Hall . . . oh, wait, it's not there anymore.
168Wait-yes, it is.
169 The Ronald Reagan Federal Building at night: attractive, bigger than life and the lights are on, but nobody's home. 411 W. 4th St., Santa Ana, (714) 835-3343.
170Careful . . .
171 The fact that resting in the Reagan Building's shadow are such un-Reagan-like oasesas the Empire Theatre, the Santora Building and the new (and desperately needed) Gypsy Den. In the funky village area near Broadway and Second St., Santa Ana.
172 The Dog Beach. Between Bolsa Chica and Huntington, a bit north of the pier.
173 Bob Cronk, leader of Crest View United, the citizens' group opposed to the construction of a Wal-Mart in the middle of a Huntington Beach neighborhood that used to feature the Crest View School. Cronk and friends collected more than 22,000 signatures in support of a voters referendum on the Wal-Mart. Now the developer, George Argyros' Arnel Retail group, is suing him.
174Lit guitarist Jeremy Popoff's 6-inch, braided, ZZ Topesque, whoa-that-shit-is-trippy goatee.
175Hugs not drugs.
176 Tony the bartender at the Little Knight. You'd think you would get tired of seeing a large, oddly charming, hairy man rip his shirt off and yell, "Hey, everybody! Happy New Year!" You'd be wrong. 436 E. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 646-6650.
177 The Daily Pilot's list of DUI arrests. Less morbid than looking for your friends' names in the obituaries, I always say!
178 The obituaries.You've got to find out somehow.
179 The divine halibutdishes at King's Fish House. 1521 W. Katella, Orange, (714) 771-6655; 24001B Avenida de la Carlota, Laguna Hills, (949) 586-1515.
180 The flour chips and salsaat Ricardo's El Ranchito. 1351 S. Beach Blvd., La Habra, (562) 943-6020.
181 The Daily Pilot's list of the 103 most influential people in Newport Beach and Costa Mesa, which listed OC Weekly editor Will Swaim 43rd one year-behind a police dog and a cell-phone relay tower.
182 Supervisor Todd Spitzer's jaw.
183 Holy Jim Fallsnear Trabuco Canyon. The name is somewhat misleading, since the water never flows beyond a trickle and . . .
184 . . . Sorry, nature called.
185 The Tuesday-night all-you-can-eat spaghetti and pizza special at Numero Uno Pizza. 8863 Adams, Huntington Beach, (714) 964-5926.
186 Looking at the Dolphin Fountain at Kraemer Memorial Park, miles and miles from the ocean, and just wondering: Why? 201 N. Bradford Ave., Placentia.
187A couple dozen little hot dogs with legs waddle to the finish line in Huntington Beach on Sundays. Dachshund Raceshappen in the Old World Village Oct. 17 and 31, the latter with costumes. 7561 Center Avenue, Huntington Beach. (714) 898-5111.
188 Orange groves. . . wait . . .
189 Eyebrow waxing at the serene and olfactorily pleasing Trompe L'Oeil Cosmetiques. Paying good money to have your eyebrows lovingly yanked off your face is always a good time, and Jill Markowicz-eyebrow shaper/makeup artist extraordinaire-is particularly adept at executing the follicular siege. 700 Carnation Ave., Corona del Mar, (949) 675-2024.
190 Orange County Superior Courthouse in Santa Ana: best place to make an appointment for a free tattoo removal from Judge Gary P. Ryan. 700 Civic Center Dr. W., Santa Ana.
191 San Joaquin Marsh in Irvine: as close as we get to doing the right thing with treated wastewater.
192 We're the only place in America where small children are subjected to Richard Henry Dana Jr.'s Two Years Before the Mast for its brief and none-too-illuminating remarks about life in 19th-century Southern California.
193Those arousingconcrete-pylon phalluses sticking up out of the ground on the corner of Chapman Avenue and Lemon in Fullerton.
194 Huntington Beach affords untold opportunities to marine microbiologists.
195 Laguna Woods. Viagra. We know there's a joke in there somewhere.
196 Southwind Kayak Center. This place has everything for the kayaker-kayaks, paddles, clothing, lessons, advice. 17855 Skypark Circle, Ste. A, Irvine, (949) 261-0200.
197 The Orange County Young Republicans' Web site: mean, nasty, merciless toward their enemies and yet not without a sense of humor. You'd almost think they had been reading the Weekly. www.ocyr.org.
198 The car vacuumat Joe's Shell station in Orange. Drop your three quarters in and get a few minutes of pure industrial suction. 914 E. Chapman, Orange, (714) 532-3966.
199 Jon's Coffeeshop for its diverse clientele-Asian, Latino and Anglo. Big pancakes, big steaks, big food: eats are plentiful, tasty and cheap. The genuinely friendly and efficient waitresses are the real thing. You may be able to get better coffee or trendier food elsewhere, but you can't get better than Jon's. 9062 Trask Ave Garden Grove, (714) 989-7044.
200 Sam Guy for having the guts to speak the plain truth. In your heart, you know he's right.