501 The NO SMOKINGWINK-WINK NUDGE-NUDGE policies of several OC music clubs.
502 If you're feeling foolhardy enough to handle a mixed drink served in an 80-ounce bucket, Sharkeezis the place for you. Just choose a beverage type (Shark Attack, which comes with a little plastic shark filled with "blood," possibly grenadine, is damn nummy) and tell the bartender how many straws you require (minimum two-no solo binging here). 114 McFadden Place, Newport Beach, (949) 673-0292. (Reader Jenn Barnes)
504 "What possible reason could Bill Clinton have for surrounding himself with so many gays and pro-gay activists? The question is unsettling." Letter to the Register, July 25, 1994.
507 Wait a minute-didn't Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich attend high school in Orange County?
508 And didn't Lars not only steal Matt Damon's girlfriend, but also marry her?
510 The empanadas-a Central and South American version of a hot apple turnover, only filled with meat and vegetables-at Peruvian Grill Seafood & Pasta. And one only sets you back $3.50. 9606 Hamilton Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 593-3883.
519 The straight-ahead jazz offered up seven nights a week at Steamersin Fullerton. 138 W. Commonwealth Ave., Fullerton, (714) 871-8800.
520 Trinity Broadcasting Network: best purveyors of Y2K/end-of-the-world fearmongering.
521Hurricane's: the best place to hit on drunk porn-star chicks. 200 Main St., Huntington Beach, (714) 374-0500.
523Aaron Kraten's Midnight Marauders Scooter Clubkeeps the dream alive with rides to county hot spots-clubs, arcades and coffeehouses. Lab, 2930 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 549-1854. Every Thurs., 8:30 p.m.
524 Eating at Din Din at the Bamboo Terrace and having baby zucchinis that look like alienBarbie dolls on a bad hair day with to-die-for black mushrooms. An orgasm in my mouth. 1773 Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (714) 645-5550. (Reader Linda Hanchett)
525 She means that in the good way.
526Rainbow Retreat, a licensed day care for mildly ill children, ages 2 months to 12 years. 9700 Levee Dr., Huntington Beach, (714) 964-7741.
531 Leaving work late, having the 405 to yourself, feeling a bit peckishjust about the time you hit the Westminster Boulevard exit, and remembering there's an In-N-Out right off the freeway.
532 Small women driving gargantuantrucks.
533-592 Each of the 60 current Caltransprojects that make every day a driving adventure.
593West Street Beach, the secluded, breathtaking gay beach in South Laguna.
594 One humble commuter's gratitude: "To Caltrans for its work on the 91 and the 5 and the 55, always giving you a valid excuse for being late to work. No matter where you drive, they are fucking you in the ass." (Reader Matthew Mallard)
595 He means that in . . . actually, we have no idea how he means that.
596 All the sex ads-breast augmentation, etc.-in the family-oriented O.C. Metro.
597 Ditto Orange Coast Magazine.
598 Ditto Orange County Woman.
599 Ditto Coast Magazine.
600 Ditto the Times' great full-page underwearads.