By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
801 All I do is lie, and that has made me immuneto compliments.
802 St. John's Lutheran Church: with its steep pitched roof, majestic spires and gothic windows, the 80-year-old cathedral just off the Orange Circle is a sight to behold during the day. But come by at night, when the place glows from the inside, and understand the beauty of one of OC's most magnificent churches. 154 S. Shaffer St., Orange, (714) 288-4400.
803 Miss Thang.
804 Having to call for an appointment to check out the Glen Landin Railroad Museumin Orange because it's BY APPOINTMENT ONLY. (714) 639-4137.
805 Lack of viable public transit gives you impetus to fix your car.
806 Bus prices catching up with the cost of a pack of cigarettes.
807 Pack of cigarettes catching up with the cost of a used Hyundai.
808 Humiliation by piano player at Sing Sing at the Irvine Spectrum. Me singing, all those people laughing, and the piano players playing. I'm delighted-no, really, delighted-you all had so much fun at my expense. 71 Fortune Dr., Irvine, (949) 453-8999.
809 The Chantal and Vicki Shoppe: hip duds and breezy California fashions. 1799 Newport Blvd., Ste. A-106, Costa Mesa, (949) 646-7506.
810 Only 45 minutes from Legoland.
812 George Argyros' oh-so-kissable ass.
813 Woo . . . eeww.
815 "Birdbrain runs the World!/Birdbrain is the ultimate product of Capitalism/ Birdbrain lowers North California's water table, sucking it up for Orange County Agribusiness Banks/Birdbrain runs the Pentagon; his brother runs the CIA, Fatass Bucks!"
816 The band named John Wilkes Kissing Booth.
817 The breakfast burrito at Cabo Loco Grill is worth waking up for. Beans, chorizo, cheeses, diced green peppers, Mexican-style potatoes and scrambled eggs are stuffed into a warm tortilla. 20702 Lake Forest Dr., Lake Forest, (949) 707-5346.
818 One of your neighbors could be a member of a clown gang.
819 The preceding statement is true.
820 The persistence of Sam H. Clauder II, whose two-year effort to legalize industrial hemp-a non-high-producing cousin of marijuana that can be made into rope, paper, nontoxic paints, clean-burning fuel and even food-may be paying off. Recently passed state legislation, which came at the behest of Clauder's Californians for Industrial Renewal, calls for studies on the wonder plant's feasibility.
821 Add sauce, and it makes its own water.
822 A local zine straight outta Capistrano, Bunnigrrrl's latest issue features political ranting, personal stories, the joys of caffeine, and more bunny obsessing. Wishbone, PMB 200, 32158 Camino Capistrano A, San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675. $2.
823Nine varieties of martiniswill get your juices flowing at Harbor Grill. 34499 Golden Lantern, Dana Point, (949) 240-1416.
825 Looking fatedead in the eye-and laughing!
826 Dennis Rodman's house.
827 I love the fact that I can come home to OC and go to Balboa Island for a chocolate banana and walk along the water and not worry about seeing a duck shot by a Wynonna Judd fan club member. (Reader Jeff Rankin)
829 The swap meet at Orange Coast College: best place to buy an animatronic gorilla that sings and dances the macarena.
830 Classic Industries is to muscle-car owners what Star Trek conventions are to geeks. It's a gleaming warehouse of vintage and reproduction parts for pre-1979 Chevrolets-especially Camaros and Novas. 17832 Gothard St., Huntington Beach, (714) 847-6887.
831 Eating a chile relleno while watching a soccer game at Super Antojitos. 2949 Fairview Rd., Costa Mesa, (714) 437-1824.
832 Listening to authentic soccer fans shout "Gooooooooaaaaaaaalllll!!!!" at Super Antojitos.
833 Food Not Bombsfeeding people at the Santa Ana courthouse.
834 SecondSpin.com. Not just a Web site, but also a great used-CD store. As pathetic as it sounds, we know that you haven't gotten around to replacing your record collection. But isn't it time you did? After a few cracks at SecondSpin. com's constantly rotating stock of used CDs, you'll be out the door with CD copies of your precious music quicker than you can say Off the Wall. 1781-A Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (949) 650-8870.
835 Many people are relocating to Corona.
837 UCI Medical Center is more fun to watch than ER!
838 Latitude 33, OC's only remotely adequate selection of poetry. 311 Ocean Ave., Laguna Beach, (949) 494-5403.
840 Watching bubbles burst, such as when studies came out recently showing that most welfare recipients are white and live in suburbs or rural areas. That shattered long-held beliefs that typical public-assistance takers are unemployed, inner-city minority members whose families have slurped from the government trough for generations.
841 Becoming jiggy.
842 Jiggyas all hell.
843 "I noted [that Sheriff Brad] Gates proposes to hire five jail cooks. I reluctantly agree that even prisoners need to eat." Letter to the Register, June 27, 1996.
844 Boat shows at Christmas in Newport Harbor!
845 Showboatsthat used to be lousy restaurants that have morphed into fabulous little museums. Newport Harbor Nautical Museum, 151 E. Coast Hwy., Newport Beach, (949) 675-8915.
846 The free Libertarian Alternative: best blatant Libertarian political propaganda.
847 The Orange County Register: second-bestblatant Libertarian-owned political propaganda.
848 Crème brûlée at the Gypsy Den Café & Reading Room. 2930 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 549-7012.
849 Edwards Big Newport Theatre. The crown jewel and home office of the Edwards Theatres empire, the name doesn't lie-it's big. In its time, the 1,400-seat main auditorium was the biggest in the West. But judging from the heinous, circa-1970s yellow ochre curtains that circle the interior of the theater, that was a pretty long time ago. Nonetheless, the Big Newport doesn't disappoint, and it is often your best bet for getting a seat on opening nights for shows that sell out quicker elsewhere. 300 Newport Center Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 644-0760.
850 Glacial Gardens' well-manicured ice, forgiving boards and Olympic-sized rink. 1000 E. Cerritos Ave., Anaheim, (714) 502-9023.
851 OC People for Animals founder Ava Park, who-in addition to being a remarkably effective activist-is so fabulously attractive in both a human and animal way that she makes me wish I were a monkey with a probe in my head so that she could rescue me from a cold research lab and hold me close to her chest-ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr!
852 And-speaking of ggggggrrrrrrrr-the weather women on OCN.
853 Our shit don't stinkbecause it's been in the water.
854 Angelo's Hamburgers. What is it that has kept the Anaheim burger joint in business all these years? You'll find the answer on roller skates. 511 S. State College, Anaheim, (714) 533-1401.
855That's only partly true. The burgersare the best.
856 My grandma.
857 Club 369 is still one of the best places in North County to catch local bands as they should be seen-on a real stage, under a real lighting rig, through a real PA, and not crowded into the corner of some coffeehouse or cafe. 1641 N. Placentia Ave., Fullerton, (714) 572-1816.
858 Hi-Way 39 Drive-In in Westminster . . . oh, yeah, it's not there anymore.
859 Waiting for Mary.
860 Harley, the Australian shepherd outside the Killer Wave Salon. 105 21st Pl., Newport Beach, (949) 675-6232.
861 Irvine Ranch Market can be expensive, its patrons can be snooty, and parking can be a bitch. Fuck it, we go there anyway. For one thing, it still manages to be less yuppified than the Bristol Farms markets. Secondly, while Irvine Ranch may not have 4 million units of the same item, it has had at least one unit of every item we've ever sought there-including hard-to-find goods that are never stocked at your neighborhood Mega-Lo-Mart. But best of all, Irvine Ranch's staff is the most helpful bunch we've ever encountered. In fact, we don't mind taking out a second mortgage for a can of olives when we know at least part of that is going to the worker bees there. 2651 Irvine Blvd., Costa Mesa, (949) 631-4404.
862 Near-demise of coyotesmeans Republicans are OC's only indigenous predators.
863 Being able to see Catalinathrough the smog on alternate Tuesdays.
866 The phat banana at Geckos in Fullerton. 99 Bananas is a 99-proof banana liqueur. It's the main ingredient in Dan's phat banana, which also includes Midori, Malibu rum, peach schnapps, and orange and pineapple juices. 279 E. Orangethorpe Ave., Fullerton, (714) 446-8900.
867 Journalists countywide secretly wish to be smart-ass OC Weekly staffers.
868 OC Weekly staffers all secretly pine to be Daily Show correspondents.
869 Or writers for The Onion.
870 Entirely too ambitious "Best of OC" project taking psychological toll on addled writers' brains.
871 The Galaxy Theatre. The former Harlequin Dinner Theatre remains one of the best rooms around to catch bands on their meteoric rise-or their melancholy decline. 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (714) 957-1133.
872Tough smoking laws mean lung poisoning will only come from highly polluted air.
873 Jorge Guttierez, master chef at the Blue Beet Café, who owns the deftest hands in the county-especially when it comes to taco chicken salad and homemade hot sauce. 107 21st Pl., Newport Beach, (949) 675-2338.
874 Sure, the hike to the shoreline will leave you wheezing, but Crystal Cove State Beach is truly worth it. With its intriguing rock formations, interesting ecological displays and best sunsets on the coast, this beach is definitely OC's best.
876The great selection of really cutting-edge ice-hockeyequipment at the Disney Ice pro shop. 300 W. Lincoln Ave., Anaheim, (714) 535-7465.
877 For roller, we like the pro shop at Wayne Gretzky's Roller Hockey. 3150 Barranca Pkwy., Irvine, (949) 653-0900.
878 Gail Hutton, city attorney of Huntington Beach, who finally had no choice but to recuse herself from the legal controversy over the Wal-Mart after it was revealed that her son works for the developer, Arnel Retail Group.
879 Ron Davis of the Huntington Beach Independent, whose cut-the-crap "Through My Eyes" column more often than not has 20/20 vision.
880 Squeaky-clean off-road vehicles.
881 The Villa Park Pharmacy, with its old-fashioned candy counter and homemade fudge, will have you scratching your head and wondering why Watson's in Orange gets all the attention. 17821 Santiago Blvd., Villa Park, (714) 998-3030.
882 Few mimes.
883 Proof that Orange County values family values: the century-old ghostroaming the Mission San Juan Capistrano in search of the infant child she killed.
884Taco Bell and Carl's Jr. are among the fast-food giants based here. We wouldn't mind if OC upstart Charo Chickenburied 'em all. Think of it as El Pollo Loco-only good! It's also healthy. Fresh, flame-broiled chicken, the outside seasoned with spices and lemon garlic butter sauce. Side dishes such as Spanish rice, black or pinto beans and coleslaw are all tasty. And they're coming soon to a corner near you. Locations countywide.
885Riding the Amtraktrain along the coastline in South County.
886 Angels broadcaster Rex Hudlerencouraging players to pummel one another.
887You take Angelshits where you find them.
888 Buying shoes and books at the aptly named Little People & Me/Shoe Story, packed with both classic and new children's titles as well as children's shoes and even clothing. Synergy can be a good thing. 1829 Westcliff Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 645-1355.
889 Sizzling3 Flavors-sliced shrimp, chicken and beef in a brown sauce that's still sizzling in a pan brought to your table-is worth the trip to Yee's, a South County Chinese-food institution. 23684 El Toro Rd., Ste. U, Lake Forest, (949) 837-1181.
892Jack Rudy (not the guy who killed Oswald). He produces the best fine-line, black and gray designs that not even cops will mistake for jailhouse ink. The man's a living legend within the tattoo community. He pioneered the monochromatic single-needle, photorealistic images, re-defining his medium to museum quality. Basically, he's the shit. Tattooland, 2641 W. Lincoln, (714) 827-2071.
893Making like Sinatra, karaoke-style, at El Torito. 5995 Katella Ave., Cypress, (714) 761-8155. Fri.-Sat., 9 p.m.-1 a.m.
894 All-too-convincing local undercover cops who target gays for sex crimes.
895 Newport Beach Public Library Foundation, which continually presents exciting speakers and thought-provoking programs, including an upcoming roundtable on crime in OC.
896 The big sharksthat hang over the drunks at the Balboa Saloon. 700 E. Bay Ave., Newport Beach, (949) 673-9783.
897 The big shark that hangs over the sober chowder chompers at the Crab Cooker. 2200 Newport Blvd., Newport Beach, (949) 673-0100.
898 Sharks are our friends, people.
899 Hipposkill more people annually.
900 Ditto wild pigs.