Guilty Pleasures

1001-1100

1001 C'mon, knowing you like it.

1002 Oh, yes, knowing very much that you do.

1003 Noshing large pickleson Tom Sawyer's Island.

1004 It seeming that pickles were larger when we were kids.

1005 And it seeming that time moved slower.

1006 And that tomatoes actually tasted like tomatoes.

1007 Digressing. Krispy Kreme.

1008 Wandering into one of the Tom Sawyer's Island caves as a way to kill some time or get out of the heat and remembering when you used to go in there convinced that a maniac was going to jump out and kill you from behind.

1009 Stealing a few glances behind you.

1010 At your age, still getting into arguments with friends, family and spouses about which line on either side of the Matterhornride moves faster.

1011 Stating unequivocally that it's the Alice in Wonderland side.

1012 Getting that look of astonishment.

1013 Being called an idiot.

1014 "Hurry baaaack. Don't forget to bring your death certificate."

1015 Betting on which one of the three ghostswill appear in your car at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride.

1016 Finding out which one you got by gazing in the mirror and then picking that ghost's nose.

1017 Short line at the Dumboride.

1018 Loading up on quality, E-ticket-type rides while the suckers sit on the curb waiting for the Electric Light Parade that ain't coming.

1019 The fact that a large part of our readers have no knowledge of E-tickets.

1020 It's a Small World on a very hot day.

1021 Leaving the kids with Grammy and Grampy while you and the husband hop the monorail over to the Disneyland Hotel for a couple of pops.

1022 I'm talking about cocktails.

1023 Sick sex double-entendres.

1024 Flashersat Splash Mountain.

1025 The knowledge that, at $39 per ticket, there's no such thing as a CHEAP Disney joke.

1026 The best-laid plans of the Mouseketeerswho created a Web site (members.aol.com/alweho) that called for the then-president of Disneyland, Paul Pressler, to be kicked upstairs so he would stop screwing up the Anaheim theme park. They got their wish:Pressler was indeed promoted.

1027 But he now oversees all Disney theme parks and resorts around the world, including Disneyland.

1028 The guy who drives the parking tram at Disneyland while singing: "When you wish/Upon a star/Someday you may/find your car . . ."

1029 Not being sure whether that is charmingor annoying.

1030 Realizing it's annoying.

1031 The part in the Golden Horseshoe Revue where the guy spits out his teeth.

1032 Speaking of our favorite Anaheim theme park owned by an omnipotent multinational conglomerate that has managed to weasel its wicked way into the lives of our children, our children's children and their children's children's children, we'd like to admit that one of our guilty pleasures involves reading one Orange County author's consistent dishing on the Magic Kingdom. Aliso Viejo's David Koenig, who penned 1994's Mouse Tales: A Behind-the-Ears Look at Disneyland, recently unveiled More Mouse Tales: A Closer Peek Backstage at Disneyland.

1033 The great thing about Koenig's books is he's got something for everyone: those who love the park, those who loathe it and all you freaks in between. For instance, his new book not only details the kind of behind-the-scenes secrets that give Disneyphiles permanent woodies (just like Pinnochio!) but also contains a grim, fact-filled account of Christmas Eve 1998's Columbia Sailing Ship mishap. Bonaventure Press, P.O. Box 51961, Irvine Ave., Irvine, CA 92619-1961. $24.95.

1034 The sensitive, mostly Caucasianportrayals of children worldwide on It's a Small World.

1035 Gay Day at Disneyland-not that every day isn't.

1036 Noting with interest the double 13sin Disneyland's street address.

1037 Riding a bike on the streets of Santa Ana amidst the screech of parakeets and cockatiels, the horns and bells of the food vendors, the sound of music played unapologetically loud, children playing, and people living life with the intensitycranked up full-blast. (Reader Wayne Valin)

1038 The key lime pieat Rafi's Café. 425 El Camino Real, Tustin, (714) 505-4071.

1039 Eric Masske. If you've been to the Hootenanny, you've seen his portfolio. He's well known among rockabillies for his classic designs with bold lines and colors. His specialty is pin ups and your general flaming dice, hot rods and horseshoes. If you're going this route, get it from the best. Classic Tattoo, 521 N. Harbor Rd., Fullerton, (714) 870-0805.

1040 The E-Bike, which was conceived by Lee Iacocca and manufactured by EV Global Motors, is a bicycle that offers electric power on demand and numerous "car-like" features such as cruise control, suspension, disc brakes, fuel gauge, headlights and loads of options. The bikes start at $1,500, and you can give them a test ride at Land Rover Centre. 1540 Jamboree Rd., Newport Beach, (949) 640-6445; 28662 Marguerite Pkwy., Mission Viejo, (949) 365-8750.

1041 The Seal Beach Trailer Park (est. 1930) ain't your average trailer park. No half-naked perps being chased down by cops on "real-life" TV shows or twisters ripping up the living rooms. In this trailer park, "trailer" is a euphemism, a rhetorical device describing what you and I might call a "trailer" attached to what you and I would certainly call a "mansion." The mansions here are called "cabanas" and, under the rules governing the Seal Beach Trailer Park, they are legit so long as they are attached directly to a trailer. The result is that, over time, some of the trailers have been swallowed by their swelling cabanas. In one, a two-story southwestern cottage with brown adobe plaster and a terrace overlooking the bay, the trailer is the living room. In another, a five-bedroom home of pink stucco, the cabana has completely digested its trailer-or maybe it's the garage now. All these homes are rent-controlled; people pay a minimal monthly fee for their lots and the privilege of living a few hundred yards from the ocean. In a trailer.

1042 A perfect evening: drinking a Black & Tan at Steamers while listening to drummer Steve Di Stanislav bang the skins. 138 W. Commonwealth Ave., Fullerton, (714) 871-8800.

1043 Steamers boss Terence Loveis as straight-ahead as the jazz for which his club has become justly famous. He's a no-bullshit guy who attracts some of the top international names in jazz to our little corner of the music universe.

1044Staffers at Bookmanactually read and look more or less like people who couldn't give a damn about much else. The store survives because of the staff's passion for finding books not in stock-including out-of-print and rare editions. The hiring process must include the Photographic Memory for Customers' Bibliographic Idiosyncrasies test. 840 N. Tustin Ave., Orange, (714) 538-0166.

1045 Verbal catfights between septuagenerian sex kittens and former B-movie stars Mamie Van Doren and Jeanne Carmen.

1046 Rage Against the Machine lead singer Zack de la Rocha spent a few months in OC before leaving for Harvard, thus allowing us to add Rage to the list of phenomenally successful, nominally local bands.

1047 Reg editorial writer Alan Bock, whose libertarian philosophy is big enough to include not merely a free market but also a citizenry freed from zealous moral monitoring. Bock's principled support of the medical-marijuana initiative surprised no one who recalls his early criticism of government attacks on religious and political whackos at Ruby Ridge and Waco. Catch Bock too infrequently in the Opinion section of The Register.

1048 Santa Monica Seafood actually sells its shellfish still alive, which is how you're supposed to do it. They're supposed to die horribly in boiling water and haunt your dreams forever. 154 E. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 574-8862.

1049 Parking meters outside the Santora Arts Complex: 25 cents per hour!

1050 Jan Mittermeier's balls.

1051 The fact that at a recent protest of commie paintings outside Bowers Art Museum, most of the Vietnamese-Americans we spoke to actually had favorite painters.

1052 Most of the Euro-Americans knew dick about art, save for whale-painting Wyland.

1053 Whaleboynow has three Laguna Beach galleries.

1054 The very funny and very scary Take the Test CD, recorded by Coto de Caza resident and recording engineer Dave Kirkey, which accurately duplicates the noise people will hear from the proposed El Toro International Airport. For a free copy of the CD, write to Project 99, P.O. Box 252, Irvine, CA 92650.

1055 The parrot man of Newport Beach.

1056 The golden, warm-as-sunshine buttermilkpancakes at the Omelette Parlor. 170 E. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 645-0740.

1057 The mostly nakedpeople at Club Forbidden at the Boogie. 1721 S. Manchester, Anaheim, (714) 956-1410.

1058 Except the girls pretending to be lesbianson the dance floor just to turn on the guys. Since when is being a lesbian about getting a man?

1059 The lesbians who really are lesbians at Captain Creem and pretend they aren't, or at least pretend to be bisexual.

1060 The OC Register's Mobile News Station, which is actually frightfully fascinating if, like us, you're the sort of person who drools over really nifty computer equipment that costs more than you make in three months. My God! Have you seen their scanner!?!?!

1061 It's hard to get a swelled head when your local baseball team is the Angels.

1062 Barry Diamond, the kung-fu fightin' singer of Tex Twil.

1063 The Nixon mini-museum, an abandoned railroad car.

1064 Sid'sRestaurant in Newport Beach, the best-kept secret everyone knows about-and the greatest meatloaf for under $6. 445 Old Newport Blvd., Newport Beach, (949) 650-7437.

1065 OC's 2.5 all-ages clubs: Koo's, Chain Reaction and Backalley (one night a week).

1066 The Battle of Hastings: go, William, go!

1067 Goldenwest FleaMarket. Best place to find Atari games for a buck.

1068 The weekend traffic on PCH between Huntington Beach and Huntington Harbour is so thick it makes cruising mandatory.

1069 42, the first full-length CD by Costa Mesa indie rock band Dr. Awkward, featuring such rarities as a male lead singer who can actually sing and a drummer who can do more than 4/4 time.

1070 Irvine Mayor Christina Shea's mouth.

1071 Yaohan, Orange County's largest Asian supermarket, where you can play "guess the flavor"with ramen packets devoid of any English language writing whatsoever. 665 Paularino, Costa Mesa, (714) 557-6699.

1072 Obliteration of natural predators has resulted in opossums, opossums, opossums!

1073 The statue of "the Duke"at John WayneAirport. Is that a Boeing in his pocket or is he just happy to be waiting for a plane?

1074 Doing your part for today's youth by being caught shoplifting at Disneyland, taken "downstairs to talk to the mouse," pointed out as an example to the small children who have also been caught shoplifting, then released without charges being pressed. Hey, man, it's all about the kids.

1075 The misaligned fountain in front of the Laguna Beach City Hall, which splatters water on the statue's base and the sidewalk.

1076 The "thank you for conserving water" sign across the street from the statue at the Laguna Beach Water District.

1077 The Pacific Symphony Orchestra playing the "Cantina Band Song" from Star Wars at Irvine Meadows Amphitheater.

1078 John Easdale, late of Dramarama, playing Kermit the Frog's "The Rainbow Connection" at Chain Reaction.

1079 Reconsidering Wayne Peterson. Our memories of 1996 are hazy, but we're certain the Laguna Beach councilman and Log Cabin Club member must have done some pretty nifty stuff back then to be named "best citizen"-you, our wise and enlightened readers, wouldn't steer us wrong. Nonetheless, in recent years, Peterson has shown himself to be ill-tempered and combative, particularly when faced with protests over the highly controversial "Treasure Island" development in South Laguna. At one City Council meeting, when citizens voiced concerns about the city-subsidized development, Peterson claimed he "would remember the people" who spoke out against the project. Is this "Best Citizen" material? We think not.

1080 The mint juleps in New Orleans Square in Disneyland.

1081 The smellof Republicans in the morning.

1082 OCNow.com: the best place to be alone with someone in a chat room.

1083 Watching waves and noshing salamiand crusty bread at Laguna Beach's Heisler Park.

1084 The gem of a woman who works behind the counter at the Smoke Shop. She's an expert at sizing up customers and a champ about charging them less than what's marked on some stogies, and she generously gives out free clips or lighters to keep you happily addicted. 2801 Harbor Blvd., Costa Mesa, (714) 435-2866.

1085 The endless supply of Novocainhypos.

1086 The cool, single-lane, elevated-concrete carpool lane that links the 5 and 55 freeways. It's the closest you can get to feeling like you're flyingin your car without sustaining major undercarriage damage.

1087 Doing a Kids in the Hall-inspired "I crush you" routine on the toll road when you first catch a glimpse of it while driving inland on Laguna Canyon Road.

1088 Los Alamitos Fish Co., which somehow manages to be worth the one-hour 45-minute wait every visit. 11061 Los Alamitos Blvd., Los Alamitos, (562) 594-4553.

1089 "What would have been legal, appropriate behavior is for those officers to have opened fire on the entire truckload of alleged illegals. Perhaps then, the driver would have stopped. Instead, the officers put at extreme risk hundreds of taxpaying citizens along the 15 and 60 freeways." Letter to the Register, April 4, 1996.

1090 The flan! The flan! The flanat Las Brisas is perfect for those who fear flan because it's creamier and less, uh, flan-like than most. 361 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-5434.

1091 The cavesthat have naturally formed in the boulders jutting out of the hills alongside Laguna Canyon Road.

1092 The ad firm of Lawrence Mayo & Ponder, which acts like the kind of agency featured in a television sitcom-except that its jokes are funny and the firm makes money. Consider its campaign for Pure Intensity clothing: "We guarantee your mother won't like it. But she's not the one you want to see naked anyway." 5000 Birch St., Ste. 1000, Newport Beach, (949) 955-9200.

1093 Conca d'Oro's arancina, a ball of meat and rice so dense that light bends around it. 776 N. Tustin St., Orange, (714) 532-2070.

1094The best boulevard of cars for sale in Orange County: Laguna Canyon Road.

1095 Climbing the rocksand exploring the caves in Aliso and Wood Canyons Regional Park.

1096 The Happiest Potties on Earth shows you the dark, seamy, waste-product-filled side of Disneyland: the restrooms. Which ones have no lines, which ones are clean, which door locks are broken, which toilets will flush all by themselves . . . Don't leave home without it. members.aol.com/ DLPotties/index.html.

1097 Mmm . . .seamy.

1098 Watching the guy who takes your order at the Irvine Lake Cafe grab a fishing pole and head outside after you've ordered the fish special. 4621 Santiago Canyon Rd., Silverado, (714) 649-9111.

1099 The stream and steppingstones at Eisenhower Park in Orange.

1100 The lush forest that fills O'Neill Regional Park in Trabuco Canyon.

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