Fantasy Candidates

Gloria matta tuchman's either crazy or brilliant, and the brilliant money is betting on crazy. There's good reason: Tuchman is a conservative Santa Ana activist who helped computer magnate Ron Unz author 1998's Proposition 227, which was designed to ban bilingual education in the state's public schools. The proposition pissed off Latino community leaders but passed almost 2-1. You'd think Tuchman would steer clear of Anaheim, Santa Ana and bullfights. You'd be wrong: Tuchman now says she's prepared to take on Representative Loretta Sanchez, the Latina Democrat who kicked Bob Dornan's butt not once but twice (in 1996 and again in 1998) to take over the seat in OC's heavily Latino 46th Congressional District. Can Tuchman's gambit work? Not bloody likely, but if it does, we're prepared to launch campaigns on behalf of the following:   Tom Hayden Famous as: Now state senator from Los Angeles, used to be 1960s radical and anti-war activist, co-author of Port Huron Statement founding Students for a Democratic Society. Once married to anti-war activist Jane Fonda. Predicted U.S. would lose Vietnam War. Should run for: Assembly district seat currently held by Democrat Ken Maddox, encompassing Little Saigon. Bumper sticker should read: "If I Was So Wrong, How Come You Live Here?" Roger A. Enrico Famous as: Chairman of the board and chief executive officer of soft-drink and snack-food giant Pepsico. Should run for: Mayor of Huntington Beach, first California city to be sponsored by a corporation. In this case, Coca-Cola. Bumper sticker should read: "Have You Ever Seen What Happens to a Piece of Meat Left in a Glass of Coke?"   David Duke Famous as: Former head of Ku Klux Klan, winning Republican nomination for governor in Louisiana. Should run for: Mayor of ethnically diverse Garden Grove. Bumper sticker should read: "White Christians Aren't Perfect. . . . Oh, Wait, Yes We Are."   Lou Sheldon Famous as: Anti-gay preacher, head of Anaheim-based Traditional Values Coalition. Should run for: Mayor of Laguna Beach. Bumper sticker should read: "Another Rear End for Sheldon."
Rupert Murdoch Famous as: Fox chairman who owns half of the world. Should run for: Mayor of Irvine, city run by Irvine Co. chairman Donald Bren, who owns half of Orange County. Bumper sticker should read: "Antichrist? I Thought He Was Australian." Or "Antichrist, Australian--Same Thing." Or "Show Us Your Tits!" Joseph Hazelwood Famous as: Captain while the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Prince William Sound, creating largest oil spill in history. Should run for: Mayor of Huntington Beach, city with its own history of devastating oil spills. Bumper sticker should read: "I'm the Guy Who Makes Shit Happen."