Illustration by Bob AulSend anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You got on the bus and took up two seats with your skateboard and a third with your backpack. You sat your fat ass down in a fourth seat, put a Jack in the Box bag and a cup of ice water on your board, and began to eat your hamburgers. When the bus began to fill, you refused to move your backpack to free up a seat. And when someone tried to move your skateboard, you dumped your water in the aisle and told the guy you'd only move the board if he was wearing a dress. You acted like you wanted to fight this poor dude because he wanted to sit where you had set up your dining table. When another rider tried to sit on the outer edge of the seat the board occupied, you ate your burger over his head and let the crumbs trickle down his neck until he relented. The only thing that stopped me from firing up your fat ass is the realization that you probably just got released from being incarcerated, and, much like a beast recently escaped from a zoo, you'll be captured once again and the rest of us will be spared your vulgarity.