By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
Photo by Mark SavageAahhh, La Habra, the grandest, most elegant city in all of Orange County!
What!? You mean you didn't know? Great goshamighty, everyone knows that the splendor of OC's northernmost burg far outshines the pithy offerings of other communities. La Habra's culture, history, entertainment and fine-dining establishments simply cannot be matched by such sleepy backwaters as Costa Mesa, Anaheim, San Juan Capistrano, Irvine, Santa Ana, and beaches Huntington, Laguna and Newport. Nay, these tiny hamlets are mere imitators next to shiny, beautiful La Habra, OC's crown jewel.
For 19 years, I was a proud resident of La Habra, so indeed, I speak of what I know! But if you haven't yet acquainted yourself with the county's version of Paris in the '20s, don't fret. Let's just hop into the unofficial La Habra municipal vehicle-a classy purple 4x4 with nekkid-lady mud flaps-and I'll give you a tour!
We'll begin by heading north on Beach Boulevard, just south of Imperial Highway. In the once-rugged hills on our right, note all of the new homes being built on a site that used to be infested with Chevron's oil wells. Certainly, the proper authorities have sucked away all the toxins that were undoubtedly left in the ground. After all, corporations are your trusted friends! Just south of here, you can also glimpse bulldozers grading the hillside. That's where the new golf course is going, and I don't think I need to tell you how desperately OC needs one of those!
At Imperial, notice the noble McDonald's on your left. In the spring of 1985, they thought so highly of their customers that they generously served extra eggshells in their Egg McMuffins! I know because I put them there!
We'll turn right on Imperial and continue heading east. Imperial was once supposed to be made into a freeway, but it's okay-most folks drive as if it's always been one, anyway!
To our left, you'll notice the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop, a mecca for saturated-fat junkies everywhere. So popular is this slice o' paradise that people stand in line for upward of an hour just to wrap their withered lips around one of Krispy Kreme's gooey concoctions. I'll repeat that: PEOPLE STAND IN LONG, BATAAN DEATH MARCH-LIKE LINES FOR DOUGHNUTS. FOR DOUGHNUTS!
On the right, we pass La Habra's great cultural mecca, the Super Kmart, where rows and rows of wonderful products await your purchase 24 hours a day! La Habra is so blessed: it not only has a Super K, but it also has a Target! Not only that, but La Habra also has an In-N-Out Burgers and a Tommy's Burgers! Talk about haute cuisine! Them's good eatin'!
Don't let anyone tell you La Habra is lacking for fun things to do. Farther up on the left, you'll see the Pelican Theatre, which houses an ultraclassy nude juice bar, featuring lots of lovely, values-oriented women displaying the natural gifts God blessed them with!
Now we'll turn left on Harbor Boulevard and head north for a glorious display of old-fashioned patriotism that can only be found in La Habra: the Flag Guns Shop. Located in the back of the Pic 'N' Save strip mall on the right, the shop is draped in the red, white and blue, with "Buy, Sell, Trade" painted proudly on its window. It certainly makes you tear up, no?
Well, campers, save those tears for what's up next: nothing less than La Habra's greatest claim to fame! Not much farther up on the right is Paul's TV and Video-that's Paul's as in "King of Big Screen" Paul's! You could-no, you will-get misty-eyed just contemplating all of the pleasures that Paul's has brought not merely to OC, but also to the world. Paul's also may be the sole reason why there aren't any non-Christian bookstores in La Habra: Why would anyone want to waste time reading when they can watch TV?
Let's backtrack a bit down Harbor and turn right on La Habra Boulevard, the city's Champs Elysées. Note the plethora of discount- and used-clothing stores, which is indicative of the many shopping bargains to be had in town. As we hit Euclid Street, you'll see the Children's Museum at La Habra on your left; La Habrans just adore children-unless they're out breaking the city's curfew law and behaving like the criminal buggers they invariably are.
That's what makes La Habra such a fantastic place to raise a family!
They looove kids here!
On the right is City Hall, in which courageous civic leaders in recent years have passed laws designed to turn the whole town into a South County-style homeowners association, something that's absolutely needed. Why, in 1994, they made it illegal for citizens to dry their indecent laundry outside their homes on clotheslines, and they almost outlawed peeling house paint! They so loved a law they passed in 1984 (requiring liquor stores to hide the lower two-thirds of porn magazines' covers) that they passed an identical law again just last year! What a bold moral stance!
This is also the area where La Habrans hold their annual Corn Festival every August. Huh? Well, no, corn was nevergrown in these parts, so they do indeed have to truck in bushels of ears for the fest. But if you have to ask questions like that, you're just not being a good La Habra booster, pardner!