Sex and the Single Gun

Firearms don't kill kids, sex does!

Blood-drenched school-yard massacres?

I say, "potato"; you say, "potato." Anyway, after that, it suddenly wasn't "politically correct" to present kids with a hard-drinking, stock-car-driving talking machine gun who chews tobacco and lives in an Idaho bunker with his five wives and his best friend, a wise-cracking grenade launcher.

But you're the one who said kids should be held accountable, that they should have to follow the letter of the law in school. So even if it wasn't a gun, let's say the school district had said no one can bring a Pez dispenser to school or you'll be suspended. You'd be all for that, right?

My anti-Pez views are well-known.

Okay, so how is it any different for a toy gun?

Listen, guns don't kill kids. . . .

Kids kill kids?

No, sex! Sex kills kids. Here we are talking about all this negative trash, and we've completely ignored the fact that kids are not having sex in Tustin.

Oh, no: kids are having sex in Tustin.

Really? You have tape?

No. I just mean that kids have sex. And I tell you what: a lot of them don't have sex. I know a lot of people who didn't get laid in high school, but they didn't go around announcing it.

I was in Key Club.

Ooohh.

What?

Nothing.

What?!

See, to me, this Tustin thing is the height of arrogance. "I'm not going to have sex!" Who's asking you? You're so hot that everyone is standing in line to have sex with you? Like they can't find another 17-year-old who wants to have sex? Oh, yeah,there's a dying breed: teenagers who want to do it, you know what I mean?

And 4-H.

If anything, I'll bet most of the kids who signed those pledges did so because they couldn't get laid-and now they have an excuse. "Oh, I'm not getting laid because I wrote something in Magic Marker." And I'll tell you what else: any guy who writes on one of those cards that he's not going to have sex is lying. Guys are going to have sex. In fact, I'll bet you every one of those guys who was writing on those cards that he was not going to have sex was thinking as he was writing that hewas going to have sex: "Man, this is going to get me laid for sure." That's how guys think. "Hey, chicks will be really comfortable around me, and they'll think I'm principled-which chicks dig. Plus, I'll be like a challenge for them to conquer, and before you know it, I'll be nailing more Christians than Pontius Pilate." Forget cards. Guys will do or tell girlsanything. They'll say they don't want to have sex, that they just want to hold them, you know, with no clothes on, in the dark on a bed. Not to have sex, of course, just because they want to be as close as . . . Guys are going to get sex, am I right?

I was also A.V.

What?

Audio-visual.

Ooohh.

What?

Nothing.

What?!

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