This Year in Lost Letters

Every week, theOC Weekly tries to print the best letters that flow into our office. And every week, there are letters that don't make the cut. Some don't run because they have nothing to do with anything we've written. Some don't run because another letter writer has made the exact same point (usually in fewer words). And some don't run because we don't know what the hell they mean.

As we ring in a new year, we first look back at the letters you never knew you missed.

TREE HUGGER

Two boobs become a formidable pair of tits when they have been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives and are of the same party. Fortunately, bullshit Bob Dornan has been removed, and simpleton Sonny Bono no longer is. However, experiencing their colloquy before the House, I can testify to witnessing what may very well be the most inane, ridiculous dialogue ever perpetrated by elected officials before a legislative body in the history of this country! Ironically, Dornan disassociated himself from Bono on Charles Grodin's TV show last week. In the final analysis, it can be said: "Thanks for the trees!"

-Frank Albright, Laguna Beach (Jan. 13)

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW

The Information Age means putting the word out on certain things; we've already reached the point where the lamer the movie is, the more people like it (within certain parameters that probably relate to semiconductor development and, from an advertising standpoint, the number of possible ways to film "real-looking" actors in slow motion). Blacks, for example, now apparently feel that basketball, boxing and bad situation comedies are in their genes; the PGA is going to get with it, sooner or later, like the chairman of the Orange County Board of Supervisors, who in the face of disaster proposes to do no business with "deadbeat dads" and sounds a lot like Dick Riordan. And, of course, UCLA, which, after a monstrous infusion of capital from the "New Los Angeles Marketing Partnership," has become an Official Information Dispenser-along the lines of Forest Lawn: The Cultural Gatekeeper. By the way, exactly what sort of jerk IS Alan Greenspan, anyway? The IMF's ambassador to the United States? Everybody works for POTUS, and like Rush Limbaugh's Sensitive '90s Guy, "we like music that's repetitious." We like music that's repetitious like annual new additions to a hopeless DMV bureaucracy.

-C. Mulrooney, Los Angeles (Jan. 13)

THE BEST OF BLONDY

As a council member, I will secure passage of a resolution proclaiming Alpha Blondy of the Ivory Coast to be the greatest musical talent performing in the world today. On passage, I will then invite Mr. Blondy to Seal Beach to accept the award. Who says council members lack vision?

-Bill Orton, Seal Beach (Jan. 15)

ROAD RULES

As I drove to work today, I realized just how crowded South County is getting. It is only going to get worse? That's what I hear everyone say. And you know what? I believe them. I remember when you heard the word "traffic," it was because you were either driving in LA or waiting in line to cross the border back from Tijuana, and that is a fucking experience in itself. I'll tell you what, though: everybody loves their cars. I love my car. But I hate being in traffic. It doesn't matter how WIDE they make the freeways or how many toll roads they make; it's just welcoming more traffic. It's no wonder people get ROAD RAGE! A pretty good way to deal with it is to just roll down the windows and put on the LOUDEST CD/tape you have, and try to relax. Don't be one of those assholes who flips everyone off. Gosh, I dislike those fuckers. Anyway, talk to you later.

-Leon, a.k.a. "Bob" (April 29)

WE BOW BEFORE THE KING

Do I have to be everyone's teacher? Do I have to carry that weight all by myself? Understand, people, that you don't want to create and put out things publicly that you will be embarrassed by later when you're older. It will drive you to drink. How you feel is about you, and you project thoughts and ideas that project the future. Think of the children. And the next time you think Orange County sucks, consider that you may be part of the process. So anyway, OC Weekly, could you possibly look back to the covers of the bondage-sex issue, where the guy is gagged by a ball with a strap, and the latest issue, where a chef looks demented with an empty fist, which would obviously be holding a knife? Can you maybe for a minute briefly consider that someone has some issues that they should perhaps seek therapy for instead of acting them out in public on the cover of the OC Weekly? Can you see how most of your covers would be scary for children? And would it be wrong if we perhaps would create a safe and sane environment for the children? Is that a problem for you, or do you prefer to displace your angry feelings on society? . . . Would any of you like to debate me publicly, or would you choose to surrender and project a positive [image]? You see, children saw your sex issue and were scared. And you who were involved are held responsible by us, the people, for a form of sexual child abuse and molestation that you are apparently too ignorant to understand. I am embarrassed by it, and I'm not even you.

If Irvine looks beautiful and you live there, you see that is a blessing, a gift to you from God, and should be appreciated. It's not to be mocked. That money created KUCI, and that's freedom. Rebellion is stupid and ignorant. Think about that the next time you create an enemy that you represent yourself as an enemy, and you are 50 percent of that situation. And you are a separatist and lack understanding. I will debate all challengers publicly. Get your shit together, and try not to embarrass me again.

-Mark Andrew Powell, King of OC and the Inland Empire (May 12)

WHAT'S THE MATTER, HAL?

Holistic Earth. Hands off. Declare Earth sovereign (state). Interactive life support pull plug free Eden fast for Earthlib planet space resource on Web site wild domestic endanger Karma free Earth restore environment, Karma, suffering animals No TAX Funding concern exception to divide interactive life support, kill cage spray weed hose, etc. Economy promotes family, animal diet equals increase population pro lifers want. Dissolve economy needless jobs on life support only IRS profits-overrode Supreme Court ruling cats free roam as more pets reptiles, etc. caged kittens cloned confined by family target concern, mainly women subordination-who must refuse. Okay?

-Earthlib, June 30

CRAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

I truly do hope somebody out there has the testicular fortitude (or estrogenous fortitude) to print this. To the lemmings of North County within 8 miles of Eisnerland: Are you fed up with breezing merrily down the roadway only to encounter an electronic sign with an "arrow" notifying you that you will be spending the next 45 minutes in a bottleneck traffic jam that would try the patience of Jove? Are you angry that your on/off ramp is shut down and you cannot get on/off the freeway? Are your business receipts dwindling because people will not run the gauntlet to get to your door? Anaheim, do you mind that your schools look like something out of South-Central LA and that millions of your tax dollars are gifted to Disney? That is the key word: Disney! All of you are being given the shaft-and of megaproportion. The Disney/government collusion will reap huge booty, and if any of you serfs think that you will somehow profit from this truly evil "marriage," you are fools. You think that you can make a living dispensing Disney-packaged lobotomies at the "California Disaster"/Anaheim "Last Resort" (re-creating the now-destroyed REAL California) selling hot dogs? I am amazed that the peons have not stormed the gates of Versailles. Does anybody mind that Disneyland . . . a national treasure . . . has been mismanaged and cheapened and exploited to the point that the "magic" is gone? Tens of thousands of loyal fans have been horrified at the results. If anybody still operates under the delusion that Disney cares anything about the American family, they should consult with the hundreds of Eisnerland employees dumped into graveyard shifts and abused workers there in general. Why don't you find the author of The Tragic Kingdom and publish it in weekly excerpts? Everybody else is scared shitless to touch it due to Disney's threats and bullying. Freedom from the press? Be courageous, goddamn it! I am sure WALT (who?) liked the money, but he cared about people also. The "HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH"? . . . Maybe . . . after Yugoslavia! The symbol of Orange County should be changed from that particular fruit to a huge lollipop (shaped like Mickey, perhaps). Get it? . . . SUCKERS!

-A victim (name withheld at author's request), Fullerton (Aug. 12)

RED, RED WHINE

Your Labor Day Revolutionary Day Manifesto was heard in the county and city of San Diego, in solidarity with the OC Comrades who are storming the reactionary seats of government that oppress the working poor from sea to shining sea. Surfer Comrades of OC: break your surfing boards and overcome the waves that chain us to involuntary homelessness, hunger and poverty as an unnatural way of life in Capitalist OC and America. Workfare is slavefare, and there are new gulags for moms with children, and terrorist bureaucrats terrorize moms with children in their pursuit of their daily bread. Once, the American workers were the first in the world in the standard of living. Now we are 16th and getting lower as Bill Clinton fucks his way as our ignoble president. Where is there a Lenin to make this our RED SEPTEMBER? A Trotsky to seize the White House with a Red Army with long bayonets to remind the capitalists with guns at their heads that we will put them once more against the walls in the name of the innocent blood that they spilt for their avarice greed? Disney World will have its name changed to "Workers World," and it will always be free. Mickey and Minnie will carry Red flags for our Red children, and Eisner will have to live on his last $500 million as his way of sacrificing for the Red Revolution. Our Red flag will have to be raised at every schoolyard as our Red children sing the "Worker's International." Red Rosa will kill the military Nazis this time to ensure fascism never returns to our Red Homeland. Our frontera will be open for the peoples of the world to enjoy as comrades of the world. Castro will have work brigades at the ready, with guns to stop the CIA from ever returning to America. Our war factories will stop making arms to kill the poor peoples of the world. Che will return from Red Heaven to see that our Red Revolution is noble and democratic for all our comrades in the Soviet Republic. Zapata's maxim "Exploit the land and not the people" will be our living credo in all the Americas.

The New Red Dawn is upon us, if only we seize it for ourselves and our beloved Red children.

-Art Salzberg, Revolutionary Comandante, San Diego (Sept. 4)

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