This Year in Lost Letters

Every week, theOC Weekly tries to print the best letters that flow into our office. And every week, there are letters that don't make the cut. Some don't run because they have nothing to do with anything we've written. Some don't run because another letter writer has made the exact same point (usually in fewer words). And some don't run because we don't know what the hell they mean.

As we ring in a new year, we first look back at the letters you never knew you missed.

TREE HUGGER

Two boobs become a formidable pair of tits when they have been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives and are of the same party. Fortunately, bullshit Bob Dornan has been removed, and simpleton Sonny Bono no longer is. However, experiencing their colloquy before the House, I can testify to witnessing what may very well be the most inane, ridiculous dialogue ever perpetrated by elected officials before a legislative body in the history of this country! Ironically, Dornan disassociated himself from Bono on Charles Grodin's TV show last week. In the final analysis, it can be said: "Thanks for the trees!"

-Frank Albright, Laguna Beach (Jan. 13)

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW

The Information Age means putting the word out on certain things; we've already reached the point where the lamer the movie is, the more people like it (within certain parameters that probably relate to semiconductor development and, from an advertising standpoint, the number of possible ways to film "real-looking" actors in slow motion). Blacks, for example, now apparently feel that basketball, boxing and bad situation comedies are in their genes; the PGA is going to get with it, sooner or later, like the chairman of the Orange County Board of Supervisors, who in the face of disaster proposes to do no business with "deadbeat dads" and sounds a lot like Dick Riordan. And, of course, UCLA, which, after a monstrous infusion of capital from the "New Los Angeles Marketing Partnership," has become an Official Information Dispenser-along the lines of Forest Lawn: The Cultural Gatekeeper. By the way, exactly what sort of jerk IS Alan Greenspan, anyway? The IMF's ambassador to the United States? Everybody works for POTUS, and like Rush Limbaugh's Sensitive '90s Guy, "we like music that's repetitious." We like music that's repetitious like annual new additions to a hopeless DMV bureaucracy.

-C. Mulrooney, Los Angeles (Jan. 13)

THE BEST OF BLONDY

As a council member, I will secure passage of a resolution proclaiming Alpha Blondy of the Ivory Coast to be the greatest musical talent performing in the world today. On passage, I will then invite Mr. Blondy to Seal Beach to accept the award. Who says council members lack vision?

-Bill Orton, Seal Beach (Jan. 15)

ROAD RULES

As I drove to work today, I realized just how crowded South County is getting. It is only going to get worse? That's what I hear everyone say. And you know what? I believe them. I remember when you heard the word "traffic," it was because you were either driving in LA or waiting in line to cross the border back from Tijuana, and that is a fucking experience in itself. I'll tell you what, though: everybody loves their cars. I love my car. But I hate being in traffic. It doesn't matter how WIDE they make the freeways or how many toll roads they make; it's just welcoming more traffic. It's no wonder people get ROAD RAGE! A pretty good way to deal with it is to just roll down the windows and put on the LOUDEST CD/tape you have, and try to relax. Don't be one of those assholes who flips everyone off. Gosh, I dislike those fuckers. Anyway, talk to you later.

-Leon, a.k.a. "Bob" (April 29)

WE BOW BEFORE THE KING

Do I have to be everyone's teacher? Do I have to carry that weight all by myself? Understand, people, that you don't want to create and put out things publicly that you will be embarrassed by later when you're older. It will drive you to drink. How you feel is about you, and you project thoughts and ideas that project the future. Think of the children. And the next time you think Orange County sucks, consider that you may be part of the process. So anyway, OC Weekly, could you possibly look back to the covers of the bondage-sex issue, where the guy is gagged by a ball with a strap, and the latest issue, where a chef looks demented with an empty fist, which would obviously be holding a knife? Can you maybe for a minute briefly consider that someone has some issues that they should perhaps seek therapy for instead of acting them out in public on the cover of the OC Weekly? Can you see how most of your covers would be scary for children? And would it be wrong if we perhaps would create a safe and sane environment for the children? Is that a problem for you, or do you prefer to displace your angry feelings on society? . . . Would any of you like to debate me publicly, or would you choose to surrender and project a positive [image]? You see, children saw your sex issue and were scared. And you who were involved are held responsible by us, the people, for a form of sexual child abuse and molestation that you are apparently too ignorant to understand. I am embarrassed by it, and I'm not even you.

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