By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
Americans United for Separation of Church and State on Dec. 10 accused Calvary Chapel in Santa Ana of violating federal laws in the November elections. The group says Calvary violated Internal Revenue Service rules prohibiting nonprofits from participating in political campaigns when the church placed copies of the Christian Coalition's voter guides in its sanctuary. Houses of worship may distribute nonpartisan voter-education literature, but the Christian Coalition guides were clearly slanted toward Republican candidates, Americans United charged. Calvary officials said informing churchgoers about issues is part of the church's ministry but denied actually endorsing candidates. Calvary's guide used code phrases such as "abortion on demand" and "special rights for homosexuals" to describe the positions of California's U.S. Senate and gubernatorial candidates. We presume those would be the candidates going straight to H-E-DOUBLE MATCHSTICKS.
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL Thuh Kal-eh-for-nee-uh Bor'd uv Ej-oo-kay-shun ahn Dee-sem-bur 10 a-proov'd fon-ix 4 kedz too lurn reed-een in-sted uv hol lan-gwij. Thay thee-ink iht wehl may'k kedz reed good'r.
MOVING ON UP Promote Paul Pressler (members.aol.com/~alweho/pressler/pressler.htm), a Web site that called for the president of Disneyland to be kicked upstairs so he would stop screwing up the Anaheim theme park, finally got its wish-sort of. On Dec. 11, Pressler was indeed promoted, but in his new post, he'll oversee not only Disneyland, but also all Disney theme parks and resorts around the world. During his four-year reign in the Magic Kingdom's top job, Pressler has been criticized for everything from overemphasizing retailing to keeping a dirty park. A big red "CLOSED" has been slapped over Paul Pressler's Little Shop of Horrors Web page (members.home.com/msmagic/pressler). However, now that he'll be in charge of all Disney parks, regular participants of the Preserve Disneyland Forum (www.casualforums.com/hollywood/forum) are spooked. Take this recent poster: "Not only do we have to worry about him messing up Disneyland, but now he's going to be in charge of all of the parks. Are you ready to see things get even worse?"
JAY, WE HARDLY KNEW YE Hey, where the hell is Jay Kim? Clockwork pictures him sprawled on a bed in a fleabag motel in his oversized boxers, wife-beater undershirt and long black socks, catching up on the soaps with a half-filled liter of Dr. Pepper and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos by his side. Where the convicted 41st District congressman isn't is in his congressional offices in Yorba Linda, Ontario and Washington, D.C. That's because he closed 'em up, it was reported on Dec. 12, and that's apparently mucked up constituent services. Fortunately, Gary Miller, who defeated Kim in June's GOP primary and went on to win November's general election, is scrambling to pick up the slack out of his tiny Diamond Bar campaign office. Kim, who gets a congressional salary through Jan. 3, was sentenced to a year's probation, 200 hours of community service, a $5,000 fine and two months home detention on March 9 after pleading guilty to accepting more than $250,000 in illegal campaign donations. He was forced to wear an electronic-monitoring device and remain at his East Coast home, which made primary campaigning in his home district a bitch. And a judge in October denied Kim's request to end his probation early so he could return to his South Korean homeland to host a Larry King-like TV talk show. Don't put Kim's face on a milk carton just yet: Republican leaders expect him on the House floor when President Bill Clinton's impeachment is put to a vote.
WE CAN'T HELP IT IF WE'RE KILLER BEESVector-control officials on Dec. 15 presented county Supervisors with a plan for dealing with Africanized "killer" bees. The deadly buzzers join an invading force of red fire ants. And don't forget last winter's floods, mudslides and collapsing condos, dead deer littering our toll roads, and the gnats infesting Clockwork's kitchen pantry. Can a cloud of locusts, four horns of the golden altar and an army of the horsemen be far off? Maybe those God boys at Calvary oughta worry more about that than some silly secular election.