The $1.2 Million Holiday!

. . . And the gifts you'll actually get!

Large Vine-Ripe Tomato . . . 99 cents (with Ralphs Club card)

5-pound bag of Red Delicious Apples . . . 99 cents (with Lucky Reward card)

Large Bosc Pears . . . 99 cents per pound (with a lift to the Bristol Farms in Newport Beach)



After he's put in a full day of torturing and humiliating employees, show your special CEO that you still like the way he kicks ass by violating his. In a leather corset and thigh-high, stiletto-heeled patent-leather boots, you're the unforgiving human-resources director with no time for his pleas for an extra day off to sit with a sick child. Slap, beat, pinch, yell at and degrade him. Make him feel vulnerable and powerless. If the mood is right, sneak up behind him, a strap-on penis dangling between your legs, and tell him the employee health plan has just gone HMO.

Leather corset . . . $225.50

Thigh-high, stiletto-heeled patent-leather boots . . . $149.50

Leather Cat-'O-Nine-Tails . . . $140

Stormy Leather strap-on . . . $43.50

Metal handcuffs . . . $8.50

Year's subscription to Skin Two magazine (the B&D bible) . . . $110

Marilyn Manson EP . . . $10.49

Ipso Facto, 517 N. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 525-7865.


The only thing leather here is the blindfold; the rest of this seven-piece set-four wrist and ankle cuffs, two tethers-is made of nylon and Velcro. Even in torture, not quite good enough. Before giving this to your special climber, make sure his boss will allow him to have his penis for the evening.

Seven-piece Fantasy Restraint Kit . . . $85

The Pleasure Company, 17955-A Sky Park Circle, Irvine, (949) 261-0560.


Is your special someone too cool to care? Show him how ugly love can be-even when attractive people do it. A great excuse to avoid intimacy.

IEG's Pam and Tommy Lee, Hardcore and Uncensored . . . $59.95

Nighty's and Naughty's, 16112 Harbor Blvd., Fountain Valley, (714) 775-8356.


Romance is nice for those who can afford it, but for those who are forced to view sex as a naked version of Russian roulette, the best way to improve the action in the bedroom is to offer a safety net. Make that a wall. And what better way to halt Santa's little helpers than with a variety of discounted rubbers from Condom Revolution? Select six hats from more than 30 brands and styles-ranging from microthin to ribbed to studded; from mint, banana and cola flavored-and you'll get another six free. That's a dozen nights of peace of mind, unless you're thinking about how you're going to get medical attention for the children you do have without any insurance.

A dozen condoms (six free) . . . $5.99

Condom Revolution, 17855 Beach Blvd., Huntington Beach, (714) 843-6911; 1799 Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (949) 646-1967; and soon to open at 2060 Placentia Ave., Costa Mesa, (949) 574-5944.

Medical insurance (family of four) . . . please.



What better way to show that the world is your oyster than by displaying it on your desk or shelf? This stunning globe is made entirely of precious gemstones, dominated by a deep blue lapis to represent the oceans of the world. Each country, from Russia to Mauritania, is represented by a precious material that comes from that country: New Zealand is done in abalone, Japan in pearl, etc. Everything about the globe is not only stunning, but also accurate, right down to the 24-carat gold wires that mark latitude and longitude.

9-inch Gemstone Globe . . . $1,990

13-inch Gemstone Globe . . . $2,990

25.5-inch Gemstone Globe . . . $3,990

Traditional Jewelers, Fashion Island, Newport Beach, (949) 721-9010.


Imagine this: a simple wooden clock, its face bearing the picture of a lone child. Underneath is this inscription: "A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove . . . but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." Simple and heartfelt, it's sure to warm the hearts and impress the opinions of those who come to visit you in your study-a spare bedroom with a bookcase-except, of course, your kids, who are not welcome in your study because they always make a big mess and never clean it up and then start whining that they never see Daddy because he's always working in his office, and okay, you tell me where the goddamn Nintendo games are going to come from if Daddy doesn't break his ass. Huh, buddy boy? The goddamn Nintendo fairy? You think I like this? You think this is what I want?

Priorities Clock . . . $49.95

Successories, South Coast Plaza, Costa Mesa, (714) 434-2782.


You don't have a study; you have that converted bedroom you refer to as your "library" but is actually a home office. Displayed on a desk or shelf, one of these whimsical clocks tells you and others that you mock the whole idea of punching the clock. It's sure to give you hours of smug pleasure as you put in hours trying to catch up on the work you've brought home from your salaried job at the expense of seeing your family.

Found-Art Clock . . . $120

Fandangle Gift Gallery, 229 N. Glassell St., Orange, (714) 516-1291.


You don't have a study. You have a kitchen table, where everything from the family bills to the kids' homework gets done. It's a good table. An honest, just table. You'll love watching your kids read and learn at the table by the light of this bulb, their small minds growing as they read, slowly grasping that they have to study at a kitchen table while others have such luxuries as desks and pencil sharpeners and doors.

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